Snap, Crackle, and Pop: The Sexiest Cereal Mascots?

I’ve got a difficult question for you. Fuck, Marry, or Kill: Snap, Crackle, and Pop? See! It’s an impossible question to answer. Because you want to go to bone town with all three of these sexy cereal mascots. Don’t bother pretending otherwise. We all know that the only correct response to this ethical conundrum is: fuck Snap, fuck Crackle, and fuck Pop.

They’re confident. They’re bold. And they’ll cut you if you try to serve them soggy cereal. That’s right, Snap, Crackle, and Pop are the bad boys of the Cereal World. 

Don’t believe me? Just take a quick look at how unsexy all the other cereal mascots are!

Sorry, Kellogs, but no one’s interested in your silly rabbit. Because we all know Trix are for kids. Rice Krispies, on the other hand, are for consenting, mature, randy adults. 

What about Tony the Tiger, I hear you ask. Doesn’t Tony have the moves? 

No! Tony the Tiger’s all growl, no bite. Hunky Snap, Handsome Crackle, and Studly Pop don’t have time for any of that Frosted Flakes shit Tony’s peddling. There’s a reason the original slogan for Rice Krispies was “it stays crackly crisp in milk or cream…not mushy!” These elves stay hard all morning long. You say “Snap, Crackle, and Pop.” I say “Snap, Crackle, and Pop a boner!”

Everyone knows Sonny the Cuckoo Bird is “cuckoo for cocoa puffs.” And I’ll admit, he’s a handsome bird. But he’s also addicted to meth. Snap, Crackle, and Pop, on the other hand, live a clean, straightedge lifestyle. Their only addiction is loving you. 

Now, I bet you think Count Chocula is sexy. After all, he’s a vampire.

Remember when Count Chocula said: “Have you said your goodbyes to the light? I’ve drained you to the point of death. If I leave you here, you die. Or you can be young always, my friend, as we are now. But you must tell me: will you come or no?” Okay, I realize that’s dark. But it’s goth-sexy, right? He’s offering immortality to his beloved! 

The only problem is: Count Chocula didn’t say that. Lestat did, in Interview With The Vampire. Count Chocula said: “I vant to eat your cereal!” Which isn’t sexy in the slightest. Sorry, Count Chocula, but Snap, Crackle, and Pop are way hotter than you’ll ever be. 

Snap, Crackle, and Pop are three of the oldest cereal mascots, their names first appearing in a print ad for Rice Krispies in 1929. Know what that means? Experience. The bad boys know how to please you. 

According to Rice Krispies promotional material, these randy elves got a makeover in 1949 that made “their features younger, their colors brighter, and their hats smaller.” Which was the first big step in their evolution as cereal sex symbols. Because know what’s not sexy? Big hats.

In 1951, Rice Krispies were first introduced to Spanish-speaking countries. Bilingual elves are muy sexy!

And then in 1979, our handsome trio got another makeover. And I’ve watched enough reality television to know that there’s nothing more attractive than multiple makeovers. I also appreciate a man who isn’t too burdened by toxic masculinity to indulge in a mani and pedi. Good for Snap, Crackle, and Pop!

So there you have it. Snap, Crackle, and Pop are the sexiest cereal studs in your pantry. They can stay crispy in my cream any time.

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