Strong Enough For A Woman, Made For A Man Who Isn’t Secure Enough In His Own Masculinity to Consume a Product Strong Enough For A Woman

A group of self-described “heavy metal” entrepreneurs recently made waves when they announced you could “murder your thirst” with their new line of canned mountain water, Liquid Death. While I’m not exactly into the idea of manslaughter in my mouth, I’m curious if Liquid Death is more quenching than any of the less-threatening water brands on the market. Or does it taste exactly the same as other wimpier brands, aka “like water,” because it’s water? 

Honestly, does anyone want to straight-up murder their thirst? Wouldn’t you rather teach your thirst a lesson and remind it who’s boss? Chances are, you’ll be thirsty again tomorrow, and the next day, and so on. If we have to murder our thirst every time it rears its ugly head, next thing you know we’ll have a society of well-hydrated serial killers. Where does the thirst killing stop?

Of course, Liquid Death’s macho image is an attempt to appeal to men who don’t drink enough water because they’re busy drinking scotch, chopping down trees, and riding motorcycles. But really, if toxically-masculine men aren’t interested in taking care of their own water needs, then aren’t we better off letting their thirst murder them? Just a thought. 

But all this masculine water has got me thinking about other products that are nonsensically gendered in the marketplace. 

You may have thought all bread was created equal, but Canadian-based Stonemill Bakery has taken the battle of the sexes to the supermarket. They produce a line of “his and her” loaves of bread. Which is a relief. We’ve been subjected to the same unisex sourdough for far too long!

Stonemill describes “her” bread as a “mild and lightly textured hemp and quinoa bread fortified with vitamin D and calcium.” In other words: strong enough for a hipster, but made for a woman. I feel mild and lightly textured just thinking about it. ‘Cause that bread makes me feel, that bread makes me feel, that bread makes me feel like a natural vitamin D-fortified woman. 

On the other hand, Stonemill’s “his” bread is described as a “hearty barley and rye,” created for men because of its protein and fiber content. Where else have I seen those ingredients? Oh, that’s right: whiskey. Wow, this really does sound like the manliest man-bread out there. And I bet it tastes like two hundred years of patriarchal dominance. All you need is some man-butter and you’ll be ready to man-homicide your man-hunger. 

Unnecessarily-gendered products aren’t only relegated to the food and beverage aisles. I was shopping the other day and noticed “his and her” Q-tips for sale. Because apparently men and women have slightly different ear canals. Although I’ve always maintained it’s not the size of the Q-tip, it’s how you use it. 

According to their website, “the ‘Q’ in Q-tips stands for quality and the word ‘tips’ describes the cotton swab at the end of the stick.” Thank God for that Q because without it, you’re just getting the tip. Meanwhile, no word on how their product might differ in the Men’s Pack vs. the Women’s Pack. But I think it’s time for them to reinvigorate their brand for the modern man (and the modern woman!) with a new slogan. How about “murder your ear wax.”

A little further down the aisle, you might find Kleenex tissues marketed specifically for men. Because God only knows, when I blow my nose I like to “mansize” it. 

More like comfortingly strong and confidently soft, amirite?

Oh, and there’s some “his and her” sunscreen. Because we all know the embarrassment of “his and her” tan lines, but few people actually talk about the dangers of “his and her” melanoma. 

And in a new display over there against the wall, you might find War Paint For Men, a UK-based make-up line designed specifically for men who don’t want to buy their anti-shine powder, bronzer, concealer, and tinted moisturizer in the girlie aisle. Because if you’re going to cover up an unsightly blemish, you better be a man about it and think of it as war. 

At the end of the day, Gleek would like to salute all these companies for their creativity. They’ve needlessly gendered their products so they can produce more of them. But all they’re trying to do is make an extra dollar off the average bro. And isn’t that the American way? 

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