I had a hot date last night. We never left my bed. At one point, I dozed off and he fell on my face. What’s embarrassing is it’s not the first time that’s happened. 

But then we started up again right where we’d left off and Mr. Darcy made me feel like the only person in the world. He’s the perfect boyfriend because when he annoys me, I can just skip ahead to the good stuff. 

Some might call him a book boyfriend, but I call him my fictional fucker. Some nights he’s better than the real thing. 

Look, if you’re anything like me, you’ve got a long and checkered history of falling in love with unavailable men. And you might say falling for someone who isn’t “real” is even worse because they’re unavailable by definition. But Christian Grey never forgot to text me back. And Edward Cullen never ditched me at my cousin Nancy’s wedding to sleep with one of the cater waiters. And Jay Gatsby never accidentally called me “Nick” while we were making love. 

Turns out, these fictional guys are a lot more available than you think they are! Let’s take a look at the Five Most Fuckable Book Protagonists. 

GREGOR SAMSA

Source: Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

When you first start dating a guy, he’s usually on his best behavior. He won’t show you his bad side until you’re invested. But Gregor Samsa’s like, fuck that, I’m a disgusting insect, love me. 

I find this warts-and-all honesty refreshing. Gregor sleeps in too late, he avoids his problems, and he lies to his family. At least you know what you’re getting into with this guy. 

Five stars, would date again. 

BIG BROTHER

Source: 1984 by George Orwell

Big Brother was the original fuckboy. He’s, like, totally obsessed with you. As in, he is always Watching You. (He made stalking sexy way before that song by The Police.) He never shows you his face, which seems scary unless you decide it’s endearing. He’s so shy! 

Sure, he may be a gaslighting fascist, but he’s your gaslighting fascist. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what you want? Someone who shows how much he cares?

Big Brother is all about you. Your freedoms, your knowledge, your rights. He wants it all for himself. And that’s downright sexy.

Four stars. (Big Brother gets docked for inventing Doublethink because I don’t like to hold two thoughts at the same time.)

HUMPHREY CHIMPDEN EARWICKER

Source: Finnegans Wake by James Joyce

I can already sense some resistance to this book crush, so let’s go directly to the text and you’ll see what I mean. This is HCE’s introduction in the novel: 

“The fall (bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronnton-nerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk!) of a once wallstrait oldparr is retaled early in bed and later on life down through all christian minstrelsy. The great fall of the offwall entailed at such short notice the pftjschute of Finnegan, erse soldid man, that the humptyhillhead of humself promptly sends an unquiring one well to the west in quest of his tumptytumtoes: and their upturnpikepointandplace is at the knock out in the park where oranges have been laid to rust upon the green since devlinsfirst loved livvy.” 

Hot stuff, five stars. 

EEYORE

Source: Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne

Eeyore isn’t your traditional sex symbol, but this grey donkey is a lowkey studdddddddd. He may be depressed, he may be the ultimate pessimist, and he may be a total downer. And yes, his tail’s definitely falling off. But know what word you can’t use to describe him? Castrated!

That’s right, this donkey’s got dick. And he knows how to use it. 

Eeyore’s that boyfriend you introduce to your friends at game night who drinks too much and acts anti-social and doesn’t know how to play Scattergories. After you leave, everyone’s like: “I don’t get it, what could anyone possibly see in Eeyore?” Then they all realize at the same time: oh, that’s right, must be the donkey dick. 

Five stars, would bang again.

ATLAS

Source: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

I’m gonna be totally honest here and admit I’ve never read this book. I don’t even know if there’s a character named Atlas or not. But I’ve always thought the guy on the cover was hot, and yes, I am judging. I bet he shrugs really well too, based on the title of the book. 

Five stars, haven’t read, still sexy. 

So there you have it, Gleeksters.

Those are my Top 5 Book Crushes. Now it’s your turn. Who are your favorite fictional fuckers?