Why do One-Night Stands get such a bad rap? Critics say promiscuity is a scourge on our nation. I say it’s 2019, so let’s get jiggy with sex-positivity! It’s time to Make Consensual Sex Between Adults With No Intention Of Procreation (Or Seeing Each Other Again) Great Again. Or, to put it succinctly: #MCSBAWNIOP(OSEOA)GA.
Our society has such a complicated relationship with sexual non-relationships that even regret has a name: the Walk of Shame. Honestly, ever since I got a FitBit, every walk less than 10,000 steps is shameful. The ones that happen after sex should be celebrated!
The phrase “one-night stand” was first coined in the 1950s, when we were more worried about Cold Wars than cold sores. When you’re afraid of getting nuked, you don’t have time to fear sex with a rando-you-met-at-the-bar-who-you-definitely-gave-a-fake-number-to. So now that our current administration is making nuclear fears vogue again, perhaps one-night stands can make a comeback too?
Where do all the negative connotations around one-night stands come from anyway? Just because something only happens once doesn’t make it bad. Neil Armstrong only walked on the moon once. Solange only beat the hell out of Jay-Z in an elevator once. And have you seen the movie Once? Do you know how many times that couple did whatever the title of the movie’s referring to? This is a non-rhetorical question. I never saw the movie, so I have no idea.
When we accomplish great feats at the Olympics, we get medals. When we have sex with someone we like enough-to-sleep-with-but-not-enough-to-see-again, we should at least get a gold star.
Thanks to the Internet, hooking up is easy. There’s no need to feel shame the next morning. Discreetly slip out of your once-only hook-up’s arms and quietly sneak out of his or her apartment with pride. If anyone questions your wrinkly yesterday’s clothes, look them confidently in the eyes and say: “That’s right, I got laid.”
The bottom line is: even if it was the worst sex ever, it’s still the best sex you’ve ever had with that stranger.
There’s a reason when you search for “one night stands” on Cosmo’s website, you get 52171 results. So let’s turn the Walk of Shame into a Walk of Fame. Slap #MCSBAWNIOP(OSEOA)GA on a red baseball cap and go meet someone whose name you won’t remember tomorrow.
And when you leave before they wake up, take the long way back to your car: those FitBit steps aren’t gonna walk on their own.