The Jake Gyllendog Effect: Dogs Are The Sexiest Accessory

The truth is, I never thought Jake Gyllenhaal had much sex appeal. But then I saw him holding a small dog and I was like Bow-Chicka-Bow-Woof!

Jake’s just one of the many celebrities who’ve figured out that the hottest new accessory these days isn’t a Holzkern Helix Watch made out of rich teak wood, or a Bvlgari Serpenti Necklace in 18 kt white gold set with sapphire eyes, or a black Hermes Lambskin Icone Glove. No, the perfect accessory for the celeb who has it all is an adorable small dog.

Does anything say “I’m relatable” more than cradling a furry friend in your arms while trying to avoid the paparazzi?

Perhaps the best thing about having a dog for a friend is they don’t know you’re famous. Joe Cocker Spaniel isn’t ever going to ask you for a loan. Millie Bobby Brussels Griffon doesn’t post unapproved photos of you on her Instagram account. And Lhasa Apsolange Knowles doesn’t expect you to foot the bill every time you guys go out for dinner.

When your friend Dave shits in the front yard and you have to pick it up the next morning, it’s seriously uncool. But when Nicole Kidminiature Poodle does it, you’re grateful she didn’t go on the carpet again!

When your friend Samantha won’t stop humping your leg, you check her into the Betty Ford clinic. But when Shih Tzusan Sarandon does it, you laugh at how wild and carefree she is! And then you remind her to never vote for Jill Stein again.

Just remember: your dog might be a trendy accessory, but they aren’t a prop. They love you more than the president of your fan club does. They’re always going to be there for you. So don’t be a bad dog parent like Anna Faris and Chris Pratt (#TheInternetNeverForgets), whose dog turned up on the streets after they gave him away when they had a human kid. If that’s the kind of dog parent you’re gonna be, then stick to the expensive watches, necklaces, and gloves. 

But a Gleek shout-out to the good celebrity dog parents! You always make sure Norwich Terrier Hatcher has enough Evian water to drink when you take her to Spago, and for that we salute you.

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