What’s Better Than A Day At The Mall? A Cross-Country Flight In The SkyMall!

We all like progress, right? Progress gave us penicillin. Progress gave us computers. Progress gave us space flight. But progress has also done some bad shit. Progress gave us pollution. Progress gave us internet trolls. And progress killed the single greatest thing about air travel since the invention of air travel: the SkyMall.

Anyone who’s flown during the last 30 years knows what I’m talking about. The idea for SkyMall came about during a 1989 flight from Seattle to Phoenix, when some geniuses realized two things: 1) passengers are essentially willing hostages, and 2) they love to shop. Thus the idea for a retail catalog created exclusively for air travelers was born.

These were the dark days before onboard wi-fi and iPads, when your only choices for entertainment were a couple of movies, a cardboard card that showed you how to escape death in the event of a crash, and a barf bag. But the SkyMall catalog changed that. You’d spend hours carefully studying each item, circling the ones you knew you had to buy the second you stepped off the plane, deciding which ones would be Christmas gifts and which ones you’d totally keep for yourself. Suddenly you had the shopping world at your airborne fingertips! And what a world it was.

Maybe you’d decide on a pair of High Waist Control Boxer Briefs?

Because who doesn’t want a flat tummy and even flatter testicles?

Ooo, you know you want this Mounted Squirrel Head.

It’s only $24.95. And it says right there in the ad, “No squirrels were harmed in the making of this trophy.” Only your dignity! Go ahead and pick up a pair of those hot Jeans Lounge Pants you’re eyeing now too. I know I want an “amazingly realistic front and back.”

Love nature AND football? Then grab this bitchin’ NFL Forest Face. 

Show Mother Nature you respect her by nailing this bad boy to your favorite tree.

Know what else would be awesome? Some cool tunes. So pick up a copy of Alfred Lloyd’s new CD, “Dear Carol.” 

And coming soon, Alfred Lloyd’s follow-up album, “Carol Files a Restraining Order.” 

If you’re looking for something in the cuteness category, how about the Little Lulu Amazing Amazon Finger Monkey. 

That soft, faux fur and poseable limbs will look so cute hugging your finger. Or whatever body part you decide to strap it to.

Worried about that thinning hairline? Never fear, SkyMall is here! Order an iGrow Hair Rejuvenation System and watch as those LED lights stimulate your scalp into growing thicker, fuller, healthier hair. 

I mean, just look at that guy’s glorious mane. And it’s totally believable that he had zero hair when he put that helmet on. Did I mention it’s only $695? 

I’m sad to report that SkyMall filed for bankruptcy in 2015. And although the original SkyMall catalog is no longer available on planes, they do have a gloriously low-end website you can peruse while you fly. So if air travel has you feeling flabby, then look no further than the “no!no! Face Trainer.” 

For only $149 you can make sure your face muscles are toned and tight. Full disclosure: it doesn’t say you can’t strap the Face Trainer onto other body parts you want to tone and tighten. So I say strap an ass cheek in there and live your best life.

Because honestly, that’s all SkyMall ever wanted us to do. And for that, I salute them.

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