Where’s the soup? That’s what I often find myself asking when I order soup dumplings. Like Sir Mix-a-Lot, I like ‘em round and big. So why do so many soup dumplings remind me of my Uncle Elijah’s shriveled testicles? 

I don’t know how many times I’ve bitten into a soup dumpling as dry as the Sahara Desert. What gives, Dumpling? If the word “soup” is in your name, come through on that promise!

I understand that a broken soup dumpling will happen every once in a while. I’ve prematurely busted my fair share of SoDu’s, as no one calls them. When soup floods out of an accidental tear in that delicate dumpling skin, part of me dies inside. But I want to see soup GUSH out of that dumpling. In the famous words of Congressional delegate Patrick Henry, speaking at St. John’s Church in 1775, “give me voluminous soup dumplings or give me death!”

Remember Hubba Bubba Glob Strawberry Gush Bubble Gum? You’d bite into a piece and a strange rush of sugary sweet liquid goo would fill your mouth. I want my soup dumpling to do that, but make it less creepy. 

I was thinking about my soup dumpling obsession the other day, and it made me wonder: maybe I just really like soup? Or, more specifically, things filled with soup? Why do dumplings get to have all the fun? Couldn’t we put soup in more things? It’s like that old joke my Geometry teacher used to tell us: “What did the wife say when her husband offered her super sex?” She said “I’ll have the soup.”

SOUP BURRITO

Just picture it. You bite into a nice, thick chicken and cheese burrito, and soup oozes into your mouth. Heaven!

SOUP TUNA SANDWICH

I’m not exactly sure how you’d get the soup in between the two pieces of bread, but that’s for a chef to figure out. Maybe instead of straight-up broth, you go for a thicker soup with this one. Or maybe a creamy tomato soup. Clearly this one is still in the “maybe” column. Look, I don’t make the sausage, I imagine the sausage. Which gives me an idea…

SOUP SAUSAGE

Oh, God, yes. I could eat a soup sausage RIGHT NOW. Put that sausage in your mouth, nibble on the tip, and feel the warm onslaught of soup filling your mouth. Mmmm… 

SOUP PIZZA

There are people out there putting salads on pizza. Why not soup? Figure it out, chefs.

Really, any food could have soup in it if we tried hard enough. So this is a Gleek challenge to all the culinary experts out there: we like soup in our food, so please find a way to put soup in more things!