Why Brexit When You Can Spandexit?

London is my favorite city. (Suck it, Reseda!) One of the reasons I love it so much is it never fails to surprise me. I was once invited to a party by a friend who was working as the DJ, and when I arrived, I quickly realized my friend had neglected to tell me it was a 1920s Great Gatsby theme party for some rich British playboy’s 30th birthday.

I was the only person in regular clothes, shades of Katie Dippold’s iconic Halloween party memory.

I’m not sure how Katie spent her inappropriately-dressed evening, but I spent my Great Gatsby night dancing to 80s music (because of course), watching the wait staff get blitzed on free shots of what I assume was absinthe, and taking a shit while two girls did blow off the bathroom sink and somebody else was fucking in the stall next door. 

Which leads me to Brexit.

For those who might not be up on all the Brexit hoopla, Brexit refers to the United Kingdom leaving the European Union. Which sounds complicated, because it is. The EU is an economic and political union of 28 European countries, which means citizens of these countries can live and work and do business within all of these places equally. The UK has been a member since 1973. No other country has ever left, which means Britain is about to either become a trendsetter or the biggest asshole ever. Maybe both.

Britain decided to leave because the public voted for it in a nationwide referendum in 2016. Although there is some debate on whether or not that vote was unduly influenced by lying politicians and an extensive disinformation campaign on social media.

Sound familiar, America?

There have been numerous delays to Britain’s actual divorce from the EU, but it looks like Brexit is indeed happening. Especially now that the UK has put their trust in Boris Johnson.

Huh. Why does that look so familiar? Oh wait, I remember…

Like America, Britain has had a long history of choosing spectacularly bad leaders. Boris is a major cock-up, but he follows in a long line of cock-ups. I mean, who can forget how former Prime Minister David Cameron spent his time as a curious lad at Oxford University?

This lovely moment in British history spawned the term “piggate.” Just like Britain leaving the EU created the term “Brexit.” Now I could spend the next 500 words talking about how potentially destructive Brexit is, or I could just come up with other made-up words that sound like it.

I think you know what I’m going to choose.

Hexit is when you watch Hocus Pocus 27 times in a row.

Bexit is when you tell Becky with the good hair to leave your man alone.

Mexit is when you’ve eaten way too many Taco Bell nacho cheese chalupas.

Duplexit is when Three’s Company’s Mr. Furley keeps coming over at the most comedically inopportune times.

Pexit is when your boyfriend asks you to peg him, but he refuses to wash his dildo first.

Spandexit is when you wear that retro 80s leotard you bought on eBay because it makes your ass look hot but it also gives you a yeast infection.

Pontifexit is when the Pope quits even though it’s a lifetime appointment but nobody really likes him because he might have also been a Nazi.

Personally, I hope the UK changes its mind and doesn’t leave the EU after all. And I hope that they realize they’re being lead by an arrogant infantile turd of a Prime Minister and that they boot Boris Johnson out instead. Now that’s a Brexit I can get behind.

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