I’ve been avoiding the gym lately. It’s been feeding my soul, but not my stomach. And stomach food is specifically the kind of food I’m into. 

The other day, I bumped into my trainer at the mall. He was shopping for new workout clothes, because of course he was. I, meanwhile, was sampling a Wetzel’s Pretzel. 

We had a nice chat. Until he frowned at my pretzel and said: “Remember, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” I wanted to shove that salty, buttery knot of baked bread up his nostril. And I would’ve, if it didn’t taste so damned good. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that delicious mall pretzel tasted even BETTER than skinny feels. 

Because know what else tastes better than skinny feels? Literally everything. 

A good, juicy hamburger with melted cheese and fried onions, and a side of seasoned fries? That tastes wayyyy better than skinny feels. The unlimited breadsticks at Olive Garden? Yep, those taste fucking better too. I had the Parrot Isle Jumbo Coconut Shrimp dish at Red Lobster for dinner last night and it was worth every calorie. All three-thousand-six-hundred of them.  

I would like to introduce my trainer to something I like: Chocolate. You may have heard of it. If I had to choose between Chocolate and Skinny, it’s not even a contest. Heck, if I had to choose between Chocolate and one of my limbs, it’s still not even a contest. And I’d weigh less!

All of you skinny people can enjoy your abs. Meanwhile, I’m gonna be over here enjoying cheese curd bacon burgers, herb-roasted prime rib with “everything,” baked potatoes and a blue cheese wedge side salad, cheeseburger pancakes (that’s actually a thing), a Pineapple Upside Down Master Blast Shake from Sonic, oversized quesadillas stuffed with seven different cheeses, or any other delicious foods that strike my fancy. In college, I made a chocolate chip omelet once and it was, no joke, incredible. 

So stop telling me how great skinny feels. And start listening to how great heart attacks taste.