You’ve heard of Toilet Wine, right? Well, even if you have seen it mentioned in your favorite Law & Order episode, let me toss a few fun facts your way.
Toilet Wine is an alcoholic liquid that originated in prisons. It earned its name because it was first brewed, or fermented, in actual toilets. Toilet wine was also called Jump, Raisin Jack, and Chalk and Buck. Nowadays it’s not made in the commode, because hello, even prisoners have standards. And it goes by the more palatable name of “Pruno.”
For those of you dying to brew your own batch of Pruno, the recipe is pretty simple. First, commit a crime. Then get caught, tried, and convicted. Now get your hands on some jailhouse apples, oranges, fruit cocktail, ketchup, sugar, and bread. Take some of your pent-up aggression about the 2016 Presidential election and pound the fruit and bread into a pulpy paste. Now find yourself a plastic trash bag. Mix the paste with some hot water to start the fermentation process, then seal the bag and wrap it in a towel.
After about 48 hours, assuming you haven’t already been placed in solitary for hiding a bag of fermenting fruit in your pillow case, add sugar and ketchup to the mix. I’d recommend a pound of sugar for every pound of paste. Remember, you’re making enough to supply the whole cell block. You don’t want to be known as a greedy Pruno sommelier.
Now comes the waiting game. For the next few days, you’ll need to pour warm water over the bag every couple of hours. Be sure to leave a little opening in the top of the bag to let the fermentation gases burp off, or the resulting fruit explosion will be a big tip-off to the guards. After 3 to 5 days, open the bag, skim off the mash, and voila! You’ve got yourself a boozy bag of Pruno. It’s the best bile-flavored wine cooler hard time can buy!
Now, if you read the headline above, you’re probably wondering, “what’s brewing Prison Pruno got to do with vaginas?” Well, vaginas are all the rage these days. Need proof? Look no further than Gwyneth Paltrow. Her Goop brand is currently selling jade eggs you can stick in your hoo-ha (don’t do this), as well as recommendations for vaginapractors. Yep. You read that right. Vaginapractors are chiropractors for your vagina (double don’t do this). And of course, who can forget Gwen’s signature vagina-scented candle.
All this vagina marketing got me thinking. Let’s say you want to brew yourself some Toilet Wine, but you need a good place to hide it while it’s fermenting. Well, what better place than your own self-warming hot pocket? Which is why I’m pleased to announce Gleek will soon be selling it’s own lifestyle-branded, prison-brewed vagina wine, Vawina. Your move, Gwyneth.