After spending my entire adult life dieting and occasionally exercising in a half-hearted attempt at getting visible abs, I finally realized I could achieve them in just one day, four hours, and twenty-eight minutes. The only catch is: they aren’t my abs. They’re Justin Theroux’s.
One day, four hours, and twenty-eight minutes is how long it takes to watch the critically-acclaimed HBO drama, The Leftovers. It stars Justin Theroux, Carrie Coon, and Justin Theroux’s abs. The struggle is real.
How many plates of reheated pasta have I eaten while watching what Rotten Tomatoes calls “an artfully crafted, thought-provoking drama that aims high and often hits its mark” and that I call “a masterfully rendered documentary chronicling the results of three years of Justin Theroux’s tremendous workout routine?”
I can’t even count how many hours I’ve spent lounging on my couch eating last night’s meatloaf while watching a performance that Variety calls “heart-wrenching in its subtlety, honesty, and compassion,” and that I call “television’s most compelling thirst trap.”
I can’t be the only person who’s eaten three-day-old pizza while watching what Vulture calls “a story of faith and doubt, filled with coincidences that might really be the result of fate’s wheels turning,” and that I call “the best thing to happen to ribs since Adam.”
Perhaps watching Justin Theroux flaunt his stuff on The Leftovers will inspire you to work on your own body? The good news is: anyone can have killer abs in five easy steps. Step one: Burn that fat! Step two: Follow a strict diet! Step three: Work on your core! Step Four: Weight-Training! Step Five: Ignore steps one through four and just enjoy Justin Theroux’s rock-hard abs in all twenty-seven episodes of The Leftovers.
And when I say rock-hard, I mean Rock. Hard. Justin Theroux’s abs are so hard they have their own section in the SATs. They’re so hard they have an alcohol content of 22.5 percent. They’re so hard they have to go to the hospital if they last longer than four hours.
The truth is, no matter how much you exercise, or how often you eat right, the perfect beach body doesn’t happen overnight. It happens in 28 hours and 28 minutes on Hulu.
We don’t deserve Justin Theroux’s abs, but we got them anyway. And I would eat a heaping helping of these leftovers any day. They are a reliable mainstay of the television show that The New Republic says is “the first show to truly take religion seriously.” Which is undeniably true if your religion is Justin Theroux’s abs.