Mueller’s Coming To Testify, So Grab Your Prayer Candles! And Your Prayer Balloons! And Your Prayer Apples!

It’s been quite a political rollercoaster since Special Counsel Robert Mueller delivered his much-anticipated “Report on The Investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Election.” Although the full report was given to Attorney General Bill Barr on March 22, a redacted version of the report wasn’t made public until April 18th. Some people read it and freaked out. A lot of people didn’t read it and also freaked out. It’s safe to say we are a nation of freaker-outers.

For those of you who have been hiding in a cave for the last 22 months (oh, how I envy you blissfully unaware cave-dwellers!), let me bring you up to speed on the whole Russia investigation jambalaya.

Mueller was appointed in May 2017, by Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. He was commissioned to investigate “any links and/or coordination between the Russian government and individuals associated with the campaign of President Donald Trump,” as well as any crimes that arose directly from that investigation.

For 22 months, Mueller and his team investigated their butts off. This resulted in 34 individuals being indicted, along with 3 Russian businesses. Charges included computer hacking, conspiracy, a bevy of financial crimes, and a whole slew of people lying to the FBI. These indictments led to 7 guilty pleas and 4 people going to prison, including Trump’s campaign manager, Paul “I spent $15,000 on an ostrich jacket” Manafort.

Republicans wanted the report to exonerate Trump. (It didn’t.) Democrats wanted the report to condemn Trump. (It didn’t.) And Libertarians just wanted to argue about whether libraries are socialism. But a quirky trend developed in the lead-up. People started burning Mueller Prayer Candles in the hopes that his investigation would deliver us from all this political madness. (It didn’t…sensing a trend?)

Burning prayer candles is nothing new. Basically you light a candle and say a prayer. You can tell how quickly your prayer will be answered by how the candle burns. If the smoke blows towards you, you’ll get your wish. If it blows away from you, you have more praying to do. And if the candle goes out, you’re fucked. Just kidding. If it goes out, just douse it in lighter fluid and pray harder, you quitter.

But now that the report’s landed, and nothing seems to have changed, what do people do with all those Mueller prayer candles? Should they keep flicking their Bics and beseeching the Lord to pay special attention to their political wishes? Maybe. Or they could try some other popular ways to pray with props.

How about a Balloon Prayer? Use a sharpie to write you prayer on the balloon, and then inflate it. Now pop the balloon and remember that when we say sorry to God, He forgives and forgets all the wrong things we’ve done. Just like all the times Lindsey Graham has said he’d stand up to Trump, then just went golfing with him instead.

Or what about an Apple Prayer? Hold up an apple and guess the number of seeds inside. Then cut the apple in half and count the seeds. As you do, reflect on how you reap what you sow. Now imagine Democrats saying they will bring Trump to justice, at some point in some future, if it feels like the right moment, or maybe not, it’s really complicated, can you please just stop asking them about it already?

Another fun one is the Snowflake Prayer. Take a sheet of paper and draw a snowflake. Then thank God for making us all special and unique. Remember that no two snowflakes are the same, just like no two obstructions of justice are the same. 

You could also try a Bubble Prayer. Get yourself a bottle of “blowing bubbles.” Dip the wand in and say your prayer. Then blow on the wand and watch the bubble float into the sky. When the bubble pops, your prayer will be answered. Or it will just vanish into the atmosphere, like Jerry Nadler’s political courage.

Or maybe…instead of putting our hope in props like candles and balloons and apples, why don’t we try putting our hope in each another? A hope that we might be able to talk to one another without screaming, that we might be able to find common ground even when we disagree, that we might be able to listen to someone else’s perspective before shouting how wrong they are and how right you are instead.

But until then, I’ll be lighting my Mueller prayer candles and blowing my Ruth Bader Ginsburg bubbles and planting my Elijah Cummings beans in my magic impeachment soil. Because hey, whatever gets you through that long “democracy dies in darkness” night, right?

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