I have a problem. I hate shoes. I feel like this requires a little backstory. See, I was diagnosed with a nerve condition in my feet as a child. Tight shoes would pinch a nerve and send shooting pain up my leg. So I got into the habit of wearing flip flops because they didn’t hurt so much.
Which brings me to my problem. Flip flops are the sartorial equivalent of saying “fuck you” to the entire world.
When my best friend got married, the DJ threw up all over her dress. It was truly disgusting. But if you ask Janice what ruined her wedding, she’ll say it was my flip flops.
I once wore a very expensive leather harness to a fetish party. The guy at the door looked at my flip flops and said “not cool, man. So not cool.” Then he made me step aside so he could let in a guy who was walking on all fours and wearing a dog suit.
This other time, I wore flip flops to my great aunt’s funeral. During the eulogies, she sat up in her casket, spat in my face, and said “I knew you didn’t respect me.”
Sometimes it just feels like you can’t win, you know?
The thing is, I grew up in Los Angeles. Which means my knowledge of seasons is iffy. I know earthquake season, screener season, Awards season, and the best season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (season three). But if you asked me when autumn is, I’d ask you what autumn is.
So I never learned when it’s appropriate to wear flip flips. Every single day of the year is flip flop weather to me! Sure, that’ll change when global warming brings monsoon season to LA. But until then, what’s wrong with letting my flip flop freak flag fly?
The thing is, people don’t realize how convenient flip flops are. You can go from shoed to de-shoed in less than a second! Also, my feet never smell. All of you suckers are walking around with your feet encased in little ovens, but my feet are free, baby! Free of sweat, free of smell, free of shame.
I won’t pretend my feet are beautiful. They’re just as ugly as the next guy’s. But they’re the only two feet I have, and I’m not going to suffer incredible nerve pain just so I can fulfill the dress code requirements of a bar that’s probably owned by Ashton Kutcher.
I love flip flops and that’s an opinion I’ll never flip flop on.