Here’s a universal truth: every single one of us has fallen in love with a Go Go Boy. It doesn’t matter where you fall on the Kinsey Scale, you’ve had a crush on a Go Go Boy at least once. It makes sense: it’s a Friday night, you’re a little bit drunk, he’s dancing to a song you’ve heard before, and he makes eye contact with you. Clearly, you’re destined to honeymoon in Mykonos together.
Or are you? Gleek’s here to investigate.
Let’s take a look at the three most common types of male exotic dancers and we’ll determine if he’s saying “Go Go, Boy” or “No No, Boy.”
50% OF GO GO BOYS: NOT INTO YOU
This is the most common type of Go Go Boy. He claims he “found himself” when he got this job. But when you watch him dance for a few minutes, you realize he can’t even find a beat. True, he’s grinding to Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On. Not exactly twerk-friendly. Still, someone needs to show this boy how to dance. Where is JLo when you need her?
His lack of dance skills aside, the real question is: is he into you? Hey, didn’t you read the spoiler in the header? The answer is no, he’s not into you.
30% OF GO GO BOYS: REALLY NOT INTO YOU
Okay, but what about this Go Go Boy, I hear you asking. He’s into me, right? Look, his body might be saying “I wanna dance with somebody who loves me,” but his mind is making a list of groceries he needs to buy. The truth is, you’re not marrying this Go Go Boy. You aren’t going to Disney Gay Days with this Go Go Boy. And you aren’t ever going to adopt a dog from the shelter with this Go Go Boy. Because he’s really not into you.
20% OF GO GO BOYS: EXTREMELY NOT INTO YOU
This Go Go Boy has all the moves. This Go Go Boy makes you feel like you’re the only person in this crowded nightclub. But this Go Go Boy is straight. Sorry.
RESULTS: YOU ARE NOT MARRYING ANY OF THESE GO GO BOYS
And there you have it! None of these Go Go Boys are in love with you because, like bartenders and wait staff, they’re being paid to make you feel like you’re the only person in the room. But we salute your optimism! May your heart always go go on.