I Don’t Know Who Needs To Hear This, But The Bartender Is Not Flirting With You

This Gleek’s for the guys. It doesn’t matter if you’re straight or gay. If you identify as male and you’ve been to a bar, you probably thought the bartender was into you. Well, here’s a tip: they want your tip. 

Not that tip, you foul-minded, sex-starved idiot. They want your “20% standard gratuity we’ve all agreed to pay workers in the service industry because no one can survive on the minimum wage and capitalism is failing, so give them a tip, dammit” tip. They’re doing a job and that thing you think is flirtation? That’s just them being nice. Because, again, for the people in the back – and I cannot stress this enough – it’s their job. 

Do you see at the top of this Gleek how it’s filed under “relationships”? That’s because your bartender doesn’t want one. Not with you, at least. Not while they’re working. Do them a favor, put a few extra bills down on the bar, and leave them alone. 

Bartenders have existed as far back as ancient Mesopotamia. Know what else has existed as far back as ancient Mesopotamia? Guys who thought their bartender was flirting with them. They were wrong back then, just like you’re wrong now. 

Let’s take a little quiz to figure out if your bartender is flirting with you.

Are they being nice to you? 

If the answer’s no, then they aren’t flirting. If the answer’s yes, they still aren’t flirting. If you aren’t sure because how does one define “nice” anyway? Dude, still not flirting. 

Are they attractive? 

Doesn’t matter. They aren’t flirting.  

Did they give you their phone number? 

Okay, in this scenario they might be flirting. Unless you’re an accountant and they gave you their number because you offered to do their taxes. In which case, NOT FLIRTING. 

Have they printed this out and affixed it to the cork board next to the bathroom? 

In that case, they especially aren’t flirting. 

RESULTS: they aren’t flirting.

Okay, that’s the end of the quiz, because 99.99 percent of the time, your bartender is most definitely, absolutely, one hundred percent NOT flirting with you. So next time you get a drink at the bar, get a clue too. And go flirt with someone else. 

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