We’ve all seen THAT GUY at Starbucks. You know the guy I mean. The one who brings his entire desktop computer with the HD screen to Starbucks so he can play Fortnight in public while drinking a Decaf Venti Nitro Cold Brew With Salted Cream And Two Sugars.
I’m not here to make fun of that guy. I’m here to commend him. Sure, it’s rude on the surface. How dare you turn a communal space into your own personal living room. But getting all that hardware into Starbucks takes effort. That shit takes work. He deserves some applause.
This one time, I had to move my desktop computer over to the other side of my desk at home and I herniated a disc. Desktop Computer Guy brought his to an entirely new location? Bravo, Desktop Computer Guy.
But why stop there? Why not think outside the box? Why not invade everyone else’s space with more junk?
So next time you turn the coffee shop into your own high-tech comfort zone, try one of these Gleek-approved alternatives:
A REFRIGERATOR
You’ve got a great refrigerator at home. It works well. Can you say the same for the fridge at the coffee shop? Who knows! You’ve never seen the damn thing. Why depend on their faulty fridge? Bring your own next time you pop in for a popover. It’s the only fridge you can trust.
A MICROWAVE
Haven’t you ever gotten so caught up in the movie you’re watching on your big screen at Starbucks, with surround sound and without headphones, that you forgot about your coffee and now it’s cold? You have to pause the movie and walk over to the barista and ask them to reheat your brew, and it’s so annoying. No pausing necessary if you commandeer the table next to you for the microwave you’ve also lugged here.
AN ENTIRE COURT HOUSE
Why stop at household appliances? Let’s say you have jury duty, but you’d rather play Ring of Elysium on your Samsung 110-inch Ultra HDTV adjacent to someone who’s trying to write The Next Great Screenplay. Don’t go all the way downtown – bring the entire courthouse with you to Starbucks. Quiet everyone, coffee is in session!
The sky truly is the limit, Desktop Computer Guy. Forget “go big or go home.” Now it’s “Go to Starbucks with your entire living room so you feel comfortable while binge-watching Orange Is The New Black and enjoying an Iced Vanilla Latte, or go home.”
Or, as I like to say, when it comes to inconveniencing strangers, make it a Venti.