Every cat owner’s been there. Your precious puss is agitated for unknown reasons. They run around the living room faster than Usain Bolt, meowing louder than the Krakatoa Eruption of 1883, and then they vomit in your tennis shoes. The only problem is, your cat’s a cat, and you aren’t Doctor Fucking Dolittle, so you don’t know what little Benedict Cumbercat wants. You just wish he’d calm down. Thankfully I just discovered Meowijuana, an actual real company that sells cannabis for your kitty. 

Now, before you say “paw, paw, give,” meowijauna doesn’t contain actual marijuana. That’s right, they’re doping our cats with placebos! (Which, truth be told, is for the best, since the real stuff would be a kitty killer.) 

Meowijauna is merely old school catnip, re-branded for stoner cat owners. And if that isn’t an example of good old fashioned American cat-pitalism, then I don’t know what is. 

Of course, this reefer meowness got me thinking about Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical Cats, which finally makes sense when you realize all the cats prancing around on-stage are stoned out of their gourds. The notorious musical was based on the poems of T.S. Eliot, and I think it’s safe to assume the T in his name stands for Toke. 

Because Jellicles smoke and Jellicles puff, Jellicles puff and Jellicles smoke, Jellicles smoke and Jellicles puff, Jellicles puff and Jellicles smoke, Jellicles smoke and Jellicles puff. In fact, if you look at early drafts of the musical, you’ll discover characters named Ganjasplits, Dankleplottzer, and Mr. Nug. I’m guessing Webber changed their names to Gus, Bombalurina, and Bustopher Jones to be more kid-friendly. 

But Webber’s pot-induced inspirations can still be found in the text if you look closely. Take the musical’s peak emotional song, “Memory.” When Grizabella sings “burnt out ends of smoky days, the stale, cold smell of morning,” she’s clearly bemoaning how terrible her short-term memory has gotten ever since she got hooked on the cat chronic. You might think I’m over-thinking this, but I just smoked an elbow of squee dank cat pot and skimbleshanks macavity stassburg caviar pouncival quaxo mungojerrie rumpleteazer. Amiright?

Fun fact: Cats is being made into a feature film starring Taylor Swift, Jennifer Hudson, Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, Rebel Wilson, Idris Elba, and James Corden. The only way that makes sense is if all of those actors were smoking some ace weed when their agents asked if they wanted to be in Cats. Judi Dench? More like Doobie Dench. 

Honestly, anyone who’s ever enjoyed the musical Cats must have been high as fuhhhk. I played the Original Broadway Cast Recording for my cat Cathy the other day and she just sat there, unmoved. Which is why I’ll be placing an order with Meowijuana very soon, and it’s why we here at Gleek salute all of the cat owners out there dedicated to their kitty’s cannabis needs. 

(Note: this is not a sponsored post, but if the folks at Meowijuana wanna send me some product, Cathy would seriously lick your face for an hour, and you’d probably let her. Because good giggles.)