There’s only one word for “thesaurus,” but there are hundreds of ways to say “analingus.” Tonguing the tush. Cleaning the closet. Adjusting the rear-view mirror. But despite all the euphemisms, when it comes to words that end in “-ingus,” analingus gets the least respect. 

Analingus is the perfect gift for that guy or gal who has everything. It won’t wilt like a bouquet of flowers. It won’t make you fat like a box of chocolates. And while a blood diamond may be forever, a rim job comes without any ethical quandaries. Nothing says “I love you” like a kiss where the sun don’t shine. So it’s time to pay tribute to tossing the salad, engage in some oral collusion, and give our regards to the rusty trombone. 

The first ass-kissers weren’t assholes, they were bold explorers! They were the Christopher Columbus of sex, without all that small pox and genocide. They turned sex into an all-you-can-eat salad bar with unlimited visits. But at some point, buttering the cornhole got a bad rap.

When you tell someone to “kiss my ass,” why is it a put-down instead of an invitation? When we see someone fawning over their boss, why do we call them a “brown-noser?” Call them what they really are—obsequious status-climbing jerks—but reserve the term “brown-noser” for the moon shot connoisseurs among us.

I recently heard a story about someone who (allegedly) didn’t enjoy analingus. Know what his name was? Hitler. 

So don’t be Hitler. Go ahead and moisten the manhole, wet the whistle, floss the butt-mouth, tickle the taint, storm the castle, snake the drain, slurp the starfish, eat all your vegetables, Rumtug the Tugger, Be Sure to Drink Your Ovaltine, serve a subpoena, do the hoover maneuver, save the soccer team from the flooded cave, pick your favorite Baldwin brother, give someone Typhoid, go up mustard road, eat some pancake, catch up on your Netflix que, perfect a smokey eye, explore the South Pole, order a hot chocolate, steam clean the ream, open an exploratory committee, and literally lick an anus.

Let’s face it. Life’s too short not to try to discover a route to China but instead plant a flag in Florida’s ass.