A civil rights fight is being waged on campuses across the country. Officials are denying students their most inalienable right, which allows them to nap while being held aloft between trees. Yep, I’m talking about everyone’s favorite slumber sling, the hammock.
After recent “hammock bans” at Penn State, Michigan State, and Colorado State, I’m left wondering: what do colleges with the word “state” in their name have against relaxation? No college-with-trees is safe from anti-hammockers. Or, as no one calls them, #antiha.
In these tumultuous times, the hammock is the only place we can all reach common ground. About two feet above the ground, to be exact.
Hammock-loving college students can all agree they’d rather sleep in the shade than sleep in class. Their detractors cite tree damage as a reason to retire ye olde net bed.
But show me evidence of hammock-control actually working. If you take hammocks away from students, they’ll just find ways of getting more hammocks. I say, #NoHammockControlNow.
Also, haven’t any of the hammock-haters read The Giving Tree? When a tree gives us shade, it wants us to be happy in that shade. Even if it means cutting down that shade-giver and turning it into a boat. That’s friendship.
The president of Michigan State University’s Hammocking Club, which, I’d like to point out, is a real thing, has proposed “hammocking safe zones” and designated trees that are “strap-friendly.” Are we still talking about hammocks? Because this sounds kinda kinky. Turns out, before there was “Netflix and chill,” it was “Hacky sack and hammock.” Who knew?
Honestly, this sounds like a nature versus napture situation. And since I’m dealing with climate change by burying my head in the sand, naps are clearly more important than our environment. How can we enjoy the trees around us if we’re cranky and tired?
The truth is, cracking down on hammocks is a pretty slippery slope. What’s the next casualty in the War on Relaxation? A ban on Frisbee free-for-alls? A pajama prohibition? A man-bun moratorium?
And don’t even get me started on university attitudes toward banana hammocks. Back when I was in college, I took a nap in a hammock while wearing a bright yellow schlong sling and let me just say some of the college administrators got pretty riled up about it. But that’s a story for another Gleek.
So we’d like to urge college students to fight for your right to sleep outside in a bed of nylon webbing. March up to the President’s office and chant: “We’re here, we’re napping, get used to it!” As long as you hammock responsibly, you shouldn’t be deprived of this extremely chill pastime.