Do you ever get too tired to hold up your head? Maybe it’s been a long day and your chin feels heavier than it did this morning. Or maybe you’ve grown exhausted watching the failure of our country’s great democracy experiment. Whatever the reason, wouldn’t it be nice if, just once, you could ask someone else to hold your head up? 

What, just me? No, not possible, I can’t be the only one who’s fantasized about this. 

How about we try a different scenario. Let’s say you’re hanging out with a friend who has a newborn. Your friend delicately cradles the baby’s neck because they haven’t yet learned how to hold their head up on their own. And suddenly you’re filled with envy. Because wouldn’t it be nice if your friend delicately cradled your neck like that? Just once! And as you wallow in this overwhelming desire to return to the days before you knew how to hold up your own head, your friend asks you “isn’t Esther adorable?” and you’re like “what?” because you still can’t believe your friend is trying to make an old person name like “Esther” a thing again, and then your friend repeats, “isn’t Esther adorable?” and you quickly lie, “yes,” because, sure, Esther is cute, but Esther would be way cuter if your friend would – even for one lousy moment – put their hand under your chin and take on the weight of your stupidly-heavy head while you tried to determine where baby Esther actually falls on the adorability scale. I mean, we’ve all been there. Haven’t we? Please tell me I’m not alone. 

The truth is, our society puts too much focus on productivity. When did laziness get such a bad rap? 

All of my dreams appeared to come true recently when a friend informed me that the Japanese-based company Thanko is selling my dream product. It’s called a Chin Rest Arm and it’s available online for only forty bucks. Thank you, Thanko!

I do have notes, however. 

First of all, the Chin Rest Arm doesn’t look very comfortable. Is it made of plastic? Or, God forbid, metal? That’s a big no from me. 

It doesn’t matter how tired you are, no one, and I mean no one, wants to rest their chin on a cold hard hand that feels fake. Obviously, it’ll be fake, but wouldn’t it be nice if it at least felt like the real thing?

You want a chin rest that gives actual support. You want superior comfort. You want something that doesn’t smash or suffocate you. Essentially, you want a jockstrap for your chin. 

Also, it might help if the Chin Rest Arm was modeled after a real person’s arm. Perhaps someone who makes you feel like you can conquer the world. Someone you know wouldn’t ever let you down. Someone who’d hold your chin like their life depended on it. Someone like Michael Fassbender. 

Look at that photo and imagine he’s extending his hand towards you so you can gently rest your chin in his supple palm. Don’t you feel all warm and tingly inside? I mean, wouldn’t it be nice to let Michael Fassbender take responsibility for your head-weight and let him tell you bedtime stories? Okay, I’ll admit he looks a little bit insane in that photo, but his hand still looks very inviting. That’s a hand that says: “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” Honestly, wouldn’t we all be better off if Michael Fassbender’s hand “had us” every once in awhile?

So, thanks for trying, Thanko. But I won’t be buying your product until you make those tweaks. In the meantime, I guess I’ll have to keep asking my mom to be my personal Chin Rest Arm. 

Yes, that’s actually my mom. And no, she won’t hold your chin, Esther. Why not? Because you aren’t her overgrown toddler who sometimes wants to pretend he doesn’t know how to hold his own head up, that’s why.