I’ll Say It: The Recorder Is F**king Hot

Before I blow your minds with the recorder’s sexiness, let’s learn a little…

Recorders are the earliest of the woodwind instruments, and are considered the forerunners of the modern flute. The recorder features a very simple design. It’s usually a simple wooden or plastic tube with a mouthpiece at the top of the instrument. Inside that is a little wooden block — charmingly called a “fipple” — which directs the air when you blow into it, like a whistle. The recorder’s body is marked by 8 holes which are covered to produce different notes and melodies.

The recorder took on its current-day form during the Renaissance in the 15th Century. Music historians consider the period between the 17th and mid-18th century to be the “Golden Age” of the recorder. However, as Golden Ages go, the recorder’s was relatively short-lived. By the 19th century, there were almost no known traces of live recorder performances. 

Why did the recorder disappear from popularity? Apparently it was the fucking flute’s fault. Musicians and audiences preferred the volume and timbre of the flute, and so the recorder was banished to musical obscurity.

But every cloud has its silver fipple. In the 20th century the recorder started to gain popularity once again through its use in education. Mostly because it’s relatively cheap to make and easy to learn.

So why is the recorder the fucking hottest of the end-blown flutes? Well, first, it’s called an end-blown flute. Also the act of playing the recorder is called fingering. Stop me if it’s getting too hot in here. Hint: Don’t stop me.

Recorders have been the butt of jokes for decades. But I bet you didn’t realize how cool recorders actually are. Some of the coolest musicians have used recorders, from Bruce Springsteen to Jimi Hendrix to Paul McCartney. And you know the Rolling Stones fingered the hell out of their recorder on “Ruby Tuesday.”

1950s heartthrob and well-known naughty boy James Dean learned to play the recorder as a young man. And no one knows how to smolder with the recorder like Dean. Just look at him working that fipple like a pro.

But the pièce de résistance of the recorder’s meteoric rise on the hotness scale is on full display in the film Alien: Covenant. Michael Fassbender learned to play the recorder for his dual roles as twin androids David and Walter in the movie.

And that practice paid off. In a surprisingly erotic scene between the two synthetic sexpots, we watch David gently finger his end-blown flute while Walter holds onto the tip. 

It’s hot Fassbender on Fassbender recorder action, with a heavy dose of tender and intimate fingering. And what, I ask, is hotter than that?

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