Remember When Toilets Were Stupid?

Today we Gleek the toilet. Why, you ask? Because we poop. And we all want a private, clean, relatively comfortable place to do the “deed of imminent need.” 

The toilet has been around for thousands of years. Some historians believe it was the Scots who first invented Ye Olde Crapping Place about 3000 BC, in the form of stone huts equipped with drains that funneled their haggis-rich turds outside. 

Other toilet scholars argue it was the Greeks who hold the title for “Inventors of the Thunder Box.” Sometime around 1700 BC, they installed latrines fashioned out of earthenware pans and an interconnecting system of terracotta pipes at The Palace of Knossos. Or the Palace of Dropping Deuces, as nobody calls it. 

Not to be outdone, Medieval England also distinguished itself on the toilet timeline by inventing the “castle garderobe.” A tiny, stone outcropping in the castle would be suspended over a moat or river. 

Inside the outcropping  was a box where royalty could relieve themselves. The box had no floor, so the excrement just dropped to the ground. I like to imagine people would yell “Huzzah the Pooper!” with the appearance of each royal butt nugget. Maybe that’s just me.

Most anthro-poopologists agree that it wasn’t until the “flush toilet” was invented in 1596 that modern sanitation really started to improve. By the mid-1800s, the flushable toilet was considered mainstream. It was (and still is) a fairly simple device. 

Step 1: Poop in the bowl. 

Step 2: Flush the toilet. 

Step 3: Wash your hands, you filthy animals.

Pretty simple, right? I mean, who needs it to be complicated? Apparently the tech-heads at Kohler, because they’ve invented a new “smart toilet” – the Numi. 

See that oddly placed white box looking like a porcelain ottoman in the first photo? That crapper with a view is the Numi, a multifunctional toilet designed to make going to the bathroom a life-changing experience. Kohler believes in “making everyday moments better,” including your daily bowel movement. They’re toilet taste-makers.

According to Kohler’s website, the Numi toilet isn’t just “the finest in personal comfort and cleansing.” It also offers personalized settings that let you fine-tune your “executive time.” From “ambient colored lighting to wireless Bluetooth music sync capability to the heated seat and foot warmer,” the Numi has it all. And don’t get me started on the self-cleaning water wand.

All this amazingness can be yours for only $7500. Just think of the possibilities. The ambient lighting helps set the vibe. You can pick a color depending on your butt’s mood. An angry red if you’re having a difficult poo, or a calming blue for a one-wipe-wonder. Or maybe set the colors to strobe like a rave while you push out a log to the pulsing beats of Fatboy Slim.

And who doesn’t want heated air blowing on your feet while you contemplate why you feel emotionally empty all the time? Even more amazingly, you can hook up your Numi to your Alexa so you can finally experience your life-long dream of bellowing, “Alexa, flush that dookie!” 

I’m not saying this techy toilet is bad. But do we really need it? Maybe the smart toilet is the next leap forward in poop removal technology. Or maybe we could just be happy with our stupid toilets? 

I know it’s hard to argue against progress. I mean, look at those gorgeous, super-cool people in that photo? They know how to defecate in style. I can’t wait until they post their latest poop pic on Instagram and I get a push notification that says, “I don’t remember eating corn! #Bless.”

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