You’ve heard of ebola, right? It’s that really scary virus that makes you bleed out of your eyes and your nose and your butt. It originally started in Africa, but there’ve been cases of ebola in over a dozen countries, including the United States. It’s so scary that books, movies, tv shows and even that monkey from Friends have tried to raise awareness.
The most recent outbreak in The Democratic Republic of Congo is the largest outbreak ever. It’s been raging for over a year, with almost 3000 confirmed cases. This has prompted the World Heath Organization to declare a global heath emergency. Of course our government immediately responded by banning the U.S. Ebola Task Force from helping because, well, our government is made up of assholes.
Ebola is scary for a number of reasons. Nobody really knows exactly where it came from, other than it originated into some animal populations. It’s easily transmitted through bodily fluids, and it’s highly lethal.
I know what you’re saying right now: stop with all this comedy gold! But bear with me because I have a very important Gleek Service Announcement (GSA) regarding ebola.
It might be living in your junk.
If you’ve recently survived a bout of ebola, you may want to hold off on the bow-chicka-bow-wow for a while. The World Health Organization has discovered that male survivors of ebola harbor the live virus in their sperm, which can be transmitted to their sexual partners for up to 90 days.
And you thought making that “hey, I know we haven’t talked in a while, but I’ve been thinking a lot about you, mostly because I just found out I have herpes. Okay, bye!” call was tough.
When it comes to ebola, the scrotum provides a highly conducive environment for survival. I guess that’s good to know. I mean, if you get stuck outside in a blizzard, just find a conducive scrotum you can slice open like Luke climbing inside that Taun-Taun and voila, instant warm and toasty.
But your scrotum bunker* (*trademarked) may be too protective for its own good. After all, you can’t expect a man to wait 90 days to spread his seed. Especially after he’s just spent 21 days in ebola quarantine. Do you know how sexy those places are? All those splash guards and plastic sheeting is giving me a level-4 hot zone right now!
And since all you dudes out there don’t want your nut sack harboring ebolajaculate, the good folks here at Gleek have developed Sperm-O-Suit — the world’s first hazmat gear for sperm!
Sperm-O-Suit is made from extremely durable fabric that’s puncture and tear-resistant, yet still looks fashionable at a BBQ after Labor Day. Just ask Zac Efron. His sperm are wearing them right now!
Each Sperm-O-Suit box contains 250 million individual suits to ensure all of your little spermathletes are protected. Well, at least as protected as this Sexy Ebola Nurse.
Please stop using Sperm-O-Suit and contact your doctor immediately if you experience any of the following side effects: the Incredible Mr. Limpet Dick, Bechdel Testes, Irritable Bro Syndrome, or dry mouth.