There’s something you should know about me: I love cotton underwear. And not just any old pair of cotton undies. I love granny panties. That’s right, I said it. And I’d say it again. In fact, I’ll yell it: I LOVE GRANNY PANTIES!
For those of you not in the Cult of the Granny Panty, granny panties are essentially classic brief underwear. They have higher waistbands and longer sides, thus giving you more coverage overall.
The higher waist and longer sides also add a little “control top” action, helping keep your gut from looking like you just ate three Thanksgiving dinners. Even when you just ate three Thanksgiving dinners. They’re like mini maternity pants you can wear even when you’re not preggers.
Granny Panties are the original Spanx, keeping all your jiggly bits in place. But they also serve a number of other functions. They’re super comfortable to sleep in. They’re the go-to panty when you’re on your period. And they’re the perfect panty when you’re feeling like you just want to lounge around the house and eat cookie dough all day.
Granny panties get a bad rap because they aren’t “sexy,” but I think this is unfair. Don’t let anyone tell you granny panties aren’t sexy. I feel good in granny panties, and what’s sexier than feeling good? They’re soft, they don’t ride up your ass, and they’re made from breathable cotton. And “breathable” is the number one quality I look for in things I put near my crotch.
You all remember that famous scene from Bridget Jones’s Diary, right? Bridget has to choose between a sexy (and therefore guaranteed to be uncomfortable) lace thong (in case she hooks up with Hugh Grant), or a sensible granny panty that dramatically increases her chances of said hook-up because they make her ass look smoking hot. She, of course, chooses the granny panties. And then:
Granny Panties for the win! Bridget Jones launched a bit of a Granny Panty renaissance. Or a Pantyaissance, as no one calls it. And I, for one, am thankful.
I love my granny panties. I wear them to work, I wear them to bed, and I’ve worn them when I was nominated for an Emmy. Of course, I lost to Big Bird from Sesame Street, but I don’t blame the granny panties. At least I was comfortable that night. And that’s more than I can say for Big Bird, who looked miserable in his lacy thong.