For those who haven’t seen the 90s dark comedy gem I Love You to Death, it tells the true story of Rosalie Boca, who tried to kill her pizza parlor-owning husband Joey after she caught him cheating. Rosalie didn’t just try once; she tried FOUR TIMES. And while I’ll warn you there are some buttastic spoilers ahead, I promise I won’t ruin Kevin’s end.
Kevin Kline’s portrayal of Joey Boca is charming and sexy, in that lovable lothario way. Which is saying something, considering he’s playing a womanizing louse. Joey loves his wife Rosalie (played by the brilliant Tracey Ullman). Despite his professed loyalty of the heart, Joey can’t seem to keep his calzone in his pants. But how can adultery be so charming, you ask? Enter Kevin’s ass.
His tushie helps firmly establish Joey’s character. One could argue Kevin Kline’s butt is actually a separate character in the film. In fact, I’ll argue it. You can track the anti-hero’s journey using Kevin’s cheating cheeks.
We first meet Kevin’s butt when Joey’s tossing pies at the pizza parlor he owns with his wife. His rump is cradled in cream-colored khakis so tight, you feel like you’re wearing them too. Here Kevin’s khaki-clad ass is establishing Joey’s Status Quo. This butt is a hardworking, married father of two. But you can see maybe this ass wants a little more excitement, as it strains against that oh-so-tight polyester.
Our next encounter with Kevin’s rear end is when he visits a tenant in one of his apartment rentals. Seems she’s having some “plumbing problems.” And oopsie daisy, now they’re having sex. We glimpse Kevin’s naked rump nestled beneath his apron strings. This is the Call to Adventure in the anti-hero’s journey.
His ass knows it has responsibilities to his wife and their pizza business. But my oh my, how good it feels to let those buttocks loose. A little dangerous even.
But one mid-day doink isn’t enough for Joey. He’s going out tonight. Rosalie doesn’t think much of it. She knows Joey works hard and likes to let off a little steam now and then. So Kevin’s butt dons super-tight white polyester pants and hits the dance floor. His buns expertly entice Phoebe Cates as they groove to Hall & Oates.
Joey’s ass is undergoing the Road of Trials in the anti-hero’s journey. That road is full of challenges and temptations. And the audience is conflicted too! We want Joey’s butt to be loyal to Rosalie, but we also want that gluteus sassimus to make Phoebe’s dreams come true. And oopsie daisy, now they’re having sex.
One night, Rosalie spies on Joey and discovers how unfaithful he’s been. And that’s when she plots to kill him, with the help of her Romanian mother (Joan Plowright), and her pizza parlor pals River Phoenix, Keanu Reeves, and William Hurt. (Again, you really need to see this movie if you haven’t.)
Joey’s butt continues its journey after Rosalie has both poisoned and shot him. But Joey is still hanging in there, complaining that he has a mild tummy ache. Joey’s butt reemerges as his pajama bottoms drop to the floor. Maybe it’s just a little virus, Joey’s butt wonders.
We have now reached the Abyss with Joey’s ass. We are in the middle of the Supreme Challenges. Will Joey’s butt survive and undergo the anti-hero’s Transformation and Return? Or will that philandering fundament fail its greatest trial? You’ll just have to watch I Love You to Death to find out.
I personally love this movie, and I’m not embarrassed to admit it’s due (in no small part) to Kevin Kline’s butt. His rump delivers a master class in acting. Or if you’ll indulge me, a Master Ass. And after you enjoy Kevin’s adulterous derriere bouncing from scene to scene, you will want to indulge too.