Hello [insert name of friend here]. When we had lunch, I noticed you had lettuce stuck in your teeth and I didn’t say anything. I was nervous about embarrassing you. And embarrassing you would embarrass me! So I’m sending you this Gleek instead.

It’s possible that piece of half-chewed food remained at the front of your mouth for the rest of the day. Who knows how many people are now judging your ability to maintain a clean mouth? 

Their nasty opinions could’ve been avoided if I’d said something about the saliva-soaked food embedded on your enamel. But don’t you realize how awkward that would’ve been for me? Probably as awkward as watching Nick Jonas perform at the Grammys with food in his teeth.

We were having a good conversation flow. Or you were, at least. The only thing I could hear when you spoke was “food in teeth, food in teeth, food in teeth.” Every time you opened and closed your mouth, it was like we were playing a perverse game of peek-a-boo. Now you see a disgusting piece of unchewed food, now you don’t. Except you didn’t know we were playing. Which is peek-a-mybad.

But how can you expect me to interrupt whatever you were talking about to tell you about the visible roughage in your mouth? Mentioning your gross tooth would’ve been uncouth!

I saved the two of us from having that awkward moment where you go “did I get it?” and I go “no” and you go “how about now?” and I go “still there.” And you’re wiggling your tongue around the front of your mouth like a penis fish stranded on a beach after a turbulent storm. No one wants to see that, [insert name of friend here]. Especially not me, your good friend. 

However, I do feel guilty about letting you go back into the world looking like Ace Ventura. 

So I would like to give you a personal, heartfelt apology, [insert name of friend here]. I chose my comfort over appearance, and for that I’m truly sorry.

But think of it this way: no one else told you about the gross food in your teeth either! Maybe I’m not the worst person here. Maybe everyone is the worst person?

I know how to make it up to you. If you ever notice food in my teeth, I give you permission to keep your mouth shut, too. Instead, forward this Gleek to me later. It’s what I deserve.