Here at Gleek, we like to celebrate the quirks, twerks, and oddities that make life so wonderfully wonderful. But this post is not a celebration. It’s a PSA. In fact, let’s call it a GSA — a Gleek Service Announcement. And it’s a simple one: don’t chug booze with your butthole.
Last fall, we all learned about “butt chugging” in the most appropriate way possible — during a confirmation hearing for a Supreme Court Justice. It wasn’t called “butt chugging” during the hearing. It was called “boofing.” And self-proclaimed boof-extraordinaire Brett Kavanaugh testified that it meant “farting.”
Brett was so proud of his farting prowess that he listed it in his yearbook, where he apparently served as a judge in his prep school’s “Have You Boofed Yet?” competition. Here I thought serving in the Peace Corps looked good on my resume. If only I’d judged a farting competition, I’d be rubbing elbows with RBG right now.
Now some would say this is totally appropriate preparation for a lifetime appointment on the Supreme Court. But a deeper dive into the history of the word “boofing” quickly revealed Boofmaster Brett wasn’t being entirely honest. In its most common usage, “boofing” doesn’t mean “farting.” It describes the act of inserting alcohol or psychoactive drugs like cocaine or ecstasy into your rectum. Which gives whole new meaning to the term “flogging Molly.”
Why would anyone want to do a tequila shooter using their poop chute, you ask? Well, the rectum is packed with blood vessels, which means substances taken anally are absorbed much quicker into your bloodstream. Using this “faster through the rear” theory, if you drink or do drugs using your butt, you’ll get wasted sooner.
Sounds awesome, right? (Spoiler alert: Wrong).
Here’s the problem: if you get drunk the normal way — using your mouth — your body has a built-in defense mechanism if you’ve had too much alcohol. You vomit. But your rectum doesn’t work that way. If you’ve butt-chugged too much, your anus can’t simply eject all those ass daiquiris into the porcelain throne. So you’ve basically poisoned yourself with booze (or overdosed on drugs) and removed your body’s only way of saving your life. Well done, you.
The solution to this questionable life choice is simple: don’t.
Don’t keister a keg. Don’t shotgun a Sam Adams with your shit hole. Don’t get hammered with your heinie. Don’t get blitzed with your brown eye. Don’t do blow with your blowhole. Don’t do crank with your crack. Don’t Hufflepuff with your Sorting Hat. And once again, in the plainest of terms, for the people in the back: don’t chug booze with your butthole. But if you do, please make sure Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh is there to judge you.