ICYMI: Pizza Is the New Denim High-Rise Mom Short

Back in 2015, Urban Outfitters acquired the Vetri Family Restaurant Group in a bid to expand into the food industry. But your favorite “lifestyle retailer” (their words, not ours) never pulled their plans out of the wood-fired oven. The Oxford English Dictionary defines an “outfitter” as “a shop selling equipment, typically for outdoor pursuits.” Which begs the question: why has it taken them so long to get into the pizza business?

If we had our druthers, we’d be five slices deep into an organic Hipster Hand Tossed right now. Instead, we’re exchanging our skinny jeans for skinnier jeans because American Apparel’s bastard cousin refuses to pull the trigger on their planned food expansion. Which, frankly, is a wasted opportunity. 

According to their mission statement, the store beloved by last-minute-Christmas-shoppers is “dedicated to inspiring customers through a unique combination of product, creativity and cultural understanding.” And we all know the best way to understand another culture is to buy one of their restaurant chains. 

Yet Urban Outfitters still hasn’t made the pivot to pizza. Which begs the question: is the company that makes “Italian Stallion” t-shirts afraid of producing inauthentic gabagool? 

Since the famously “never had a restaurant” lifestyle retail store appears to have cold feet, Gleek would like to help them think outside the pizza box. Perhaps your customers would like a Huggable Calamari Cooling Pad, or some Alfredo Diffuser Oil, or maybe even a SmileMakers Personal Parmigiana Massager? 

When I’m at your cash wrap, I don’t want to hear about a sale on Amped Fleece Fringe Throw Blankets! No, what I want to hear is: “Would you like a sausage calzone with that silky romper?” The answer is a resounding yes.

A quick search on the Urban Outfitters website confirms they haven’t even done a soft launch on any of their edibles yet. In fact, the only themed products available at the moment are pepperoni socks, limited edition pizza-themed tapestry, and a bunch of unusual disc-shaped vinyl things that look like burnt pizza pie but actually play music! 

The good news is, I heard a rumor that Urban Outfitters discovered carbs before anyone else did. Which means pizza isn’t just a keychain wallet anymore. But can we expect them to add Fried Zucchini Scented Pure Stick Deodorant to their online catalogue any time soon? Fingers crossed!

Look, a lot of people may have raised their perfectly-coiffed eyebrows when they heard that Urban Outfitters was getting into the food game. But we knew it was a match made in heaven. Why? Because capitalism. So don’t disappoint us, Urban Outfitters. Your customers may be hip, but we’re also hungry. (Very hungry. Someone please feed us. My thigh gap needs a meatball sub stat!)

Pin It on Pinterest