Ever Since I Got a Bidet, I’m Not Biden My Time On The Toilet Anymore

As Sir Gleek-a-Lot famously said in Baby Got Back (Clean Version): “We like clean butts, and we cannot lie.” So we weren’t surprised to see an ad for bidets on our feed the other day. 

What did surprise us was what the models wore in the ad. Look closely at the below photo. Is he wearing…underwear? On the bidet? Yes. Yes, he is. 

And it wasn’t just him. Several male models in this bidet ad were posing poopus interruptus while in their unmentionables. Which got me thinking, DO MEN NOT KNOW HOW TO POOP? 

These models are selling bidets for Tushy, whose website is very enthusiastic about cleaning your caboose. You could almost say they’re anal about it (#Sorrynotsorry). They want to make your butt so clean you could eat off it, which is an admirable goal. Thanks, Tushy! You’re making a difference, one butt at a time. Even if your models don’t grasp the complicated concept of shitting without their boxers on. 

Which brings me to Joe Biden. Oh, did that transition give you whiplash? Now you know how I felt when Joe Biden announced his 2020 presidential campaign.  

Look, we all love Joe. He’s got hella experience, he’s charming, he stands for progress and inclusion, he’s a champion of legislation targeted at domestic violence and sexual assault, and he made me cry on Colbert that one time. 

But when he announced his 2020 presidential campaign, I had that same weird feeling in the pit of my stomach I had when I saw photos of dudes sitting on a bidet with their underpants on. Biden was a great Number 2, but now it’s time to drop that deuce. 

The truth is, we’ve had enough old white men holding court on our country’s porcelain throne. Hey guys! You’ve held most of the toilet paper your entire life. It’s time to share a square. 

This has nothing to do with “identity politics,” which is a phrase I’d like to flush down the proverbial toilet. We live in a beautifully diverse nation, and we’ve got several incredible, smart, experienced candidates who reflect that diversity. But 44/45ths of our presidents have been straight white men and that’s a real shitty fraction. And yes, I know that’s not how fractions work.

If you had hemorrhoids, wouldn’t you adjust your bidet to its maximum setting for that extra clean feel? Well, old straight white men are the hemorrhoids of America and I’m sorry, Joe, but it’s time to wash ourselves clean of you guys, too.

Okay, maybe this metaphor’s gotten a little messy, but I refuse to give up on it. Just like Joe Biden refuses to acknowledge that it isn’t his time anymore. And I get it. No one wants to step out of their comfort zone. 

But please, Joe, I’m begging you: don’t be like the guys in that Tushy ad who don’t know how to remove their underwear when they’re pooping. And by “remove their underwear,” I mean “shed their privilege.” And by “pooping,” I mean “running for President.” 

The bottom line is: it’s time to shit and get off the bidet. 

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