As Coco Chanel Said, No Elegance Is Possible Without Perfume. Especially If It Smells Like Disneyland’s Water Rides.

Did you ever wish you could smell like your favorite ride at Disneyland? Apparently now you can. That’s right, folks, I just discovered there’s a “theme park water ride” perfume, and I’m dying to try it. Dead men tell no tales, but living men want to smell like heavily-chlorinated water, theatrical fog, and “atmospheric mildew.”

This theme park-inspired scent is called Dark Ride, though I would’ve gone with the classier Obsession By Davy Jones. It’s described as “the first thrill ride in a bottle.” I’m both intrigued and disgusted. Or should I say intgusted? No, distrigued has a better ring to it.  

Avast ye! This isn’t a sponsored post, but if anyone wants to send me a chest of this eau de pirate, I promise to treasure it. I can’t think of a better way to let strangers know I’m seekin’ adventure and salty old men with one wooden leg. Did I just come out as piratesexual? Yo ho ho, indeed. 

When Disneyland updated their Pirates of the Caribbean ride to make the “wenches” more empowered, I applauded. The old version of the ride reeked of misogyny and patriarchal abuse. When you disembark that ride, the only thing you want to reek of is a musty underground. With maybe a hint of pyrotechnics. Some tastes change, but bromine-infused water is timeless. 

Look, you can say “a pirate’s life for me,” but that doesn’t mean anything unless you embrace the spirit of the sea. And by “sea,” I mean “water tank that probably doesn’t get cleaned as often as it should.” 

Fun Fact: Walt Disney’s ashes weren’t scattered in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride like rumored, but my friend Carla’s grandmother’s ashes were. So when you wear this perfume and someone asks what that smell is, feel free to say “it’s Nana.” 

I will admit I was skeptical about this perfume at first, but the single online review of Dark Ride (written by a “verified owner,” no less!) gives us the true scuttlebutt. The reviewer qualifies their critique by saying” Theme Park Water Ride” is a scent they’ve “been chasing for years.” And what was their verdict? It’s (in all caps) “AN AMAZING VERSION OF YOUR FAVORITE SMELL.” 

Shiver me timbers, I’m sold!

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