Why Send A Text Message When You Can Just Pee On A Tree?

It’s the start of a new week, so that can mean only one thing. It’s time to talk about pee. Specifically lemur pee. I don’t know about you, but I spent my weekend reading about researchers from the German Primate Center who recently spent over a thousand hours studying the bathroom habits of white-footed sportive lemurs. (Leave it to German primatologists to focus only on white-footed lemurs.) 

Lemurs are super cool. They use sight, sound, and smell to communicate. They have scent glands on their chests, hands, heads, and even their junk. They rub these glands on trees to communicate with other lemurs. But apparently they also send scent text messages another way…

According to a paper published in Behavioral Ecology and Sociobiology, researchers discovered that lemurs “leave messages for each other through their pee and poo.” See, lemurs are nocturnal and kind of loners, but they tend to use the same trees to do their business. The researchers guessed the lemurs might be using these “communal bathrooms” to communicate with one another. And they were right.

Lemur urine left on these trees serves as a vital method “to maintain contact with family members.” It’s also a way to advertise for prospective mates. If lemurs are in the mood for a hook-up, they leave a little come-hither message written in pee. You’ve heard of speed-dating? Well, this is pee-dating.

These social networking lemur pee trees got me thinking. We all know bathrooms can be a place where people go to meet like-minded singles. 

But there are some downsides to scrawling your message on a bathroom stall. For one, it’s technically vandalism. It’s also environmentally unsound. Every time they clean those bathroom walls, a lot of cleaning products are washed into the environment. Plus, you know bathroom graffiti has led to an increase in used Sharpies in landfills. 

But now because of these pee lemurs, or plemurs as nobody calls them, we can ditch the Sharpie and leave messages for potential hooks-up by pee-writing them on trees! Usually when you want to pee on a living thing, you have to call the White House. But not anymore! And if we’re using pee to signal we’re interested in a potential hook-up, why stop there?

Think how plemurs could revolutionize the glory hole, or as my friend likes to call them, drive-thru flirtation windows. Why drill a hole in a wall when you can just pee-carve a glory hole into a sequoia? But please remember to hydrate first.

 Lemurs really are trendsetters when it comes to bodily function communication. And if tree-peeing is the future of text messaging, then you know it’s only a matter of time before Apple releases the iPee. Or we start seeing ads for PeeHarmony. Or Mark Zuckerberg debuts his new dating app, “Fecesbook.” Call me, Zuck!

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