For centuries, penis-shaped novelty treats have been relegated to straight bachelorette parties, gay bachelor parties, and your Aunt Eleanor’s “I’m Finally Retiring From the DMV” party. But we here at Gleek think it’s time to bring the penis-shaped novelty treat into the mainstream. 

What’s wrong with eating penis-shaped novelty treats at your local deli? Nothing! Let’s put them in the display case next to the rugelach.

Why don’t they sell penis-shaped novelty treats at fast food joints? If you saw a McDick on the menu, there’s no way you wouldn’t ask them to Supersize it. 

And who says you can’t eat penis-shaped novelty treats at work? Oh wait, Marge in Human Resources says it? Actually, listen to Marge, she knows what she’s talking about.

The truth is, there’s a certain camp pleasure that comes from eating penis-shaped novelty treats in public. So let’s take a closer look at the hierarchy of penis-shaped novelty foods.

Penis-shaped cookies are the most popular penis-shaped novelty food. The wonderful thing about penis-shaped cookies is penis-shaped cookies are a wonderful thing. Each penis-shaped cookie is different. They come in all shapes and sizes. And you can really take your time with them. It’s like the Cookie Monster says: “Me love to eat cookie. Sometimes whole, sometimes me chew it.” 

Then you’ve got penis-shaped cakes, which usually come with lots of innuendo about icing. Of course, penis-shaped cake is more of a mouthful than a penis-shaped cookie. But at the end of the day, it isn’t the size that counts, it’s how you eat it. 

And then there are penis-shaped suckers. Everyone’s favorite rock hard penis-shaped novelty treat. Penis-shaped suckers are perhaps the most mortifying penis-shaped novelty treat because they take forever to eat. After a while, you look at your watch, wondering: shouldn’t we be done by now?  

Why do these confectionary dick delicacies make us feel so naughty? It’s not like we’re eating actual penises!

But we still get embarrassed. When we eat a penis-shaped treat, we wonder: “Do they think this is how I eat a penis-shaped penis?” But in reality, they’re thinking: “OMG PENIS COOKIE.” 

And honestly, if you eat penis-shaped novelty treats the same way you “eat a dick,” you’re doing it wrong. Know how I know that? Because (SPOILER ALERT) penis-shaped penises aren’t actually edible! 

Penis-shaped penises have way less sugar than the cookie kind. And far fewer carbs. So if you’re on a diet, you really should stick to penis-shaped penises. The fun thing is, you can work them into any diet. Also, if you’re on Weight Watchers like I am, you should know: penis-shaped penises are a “zero point” food. That’s what I call sex-positivity.

So get out of your head and stop worrying what other people are thinking when you eat a penis-shaped novelty treat. Life’s too short not to enjoy that slice of bachelorette dick cake.