The Crocheted Bikini: How To Look Sexy In A Thong Knitted By Your Grandma

Let’s face it. Bikinis are hot. They’re like sexy underwear you can wear outside. They accentuate your curves. They barely take up any room in the vacation suitcase. And they give you that perfect amount of sun exposure that guarantees a banging tan and the thrill that comes with an increased risk of skin cancer. 

So how could a bikini get any better, you ask? Crochet one out of sexy yarn.

Bikinis first burst onto the fashion scene in the ‘40s. French designer Louis Reard introduced his itsy-bitsy bathing suit on July 5, 1946. The United States had just started testing atomic bombs in the Bikini Atoll in the South Pacific. So Louis called his new suit le bikini because he expected it to make as big a splash as the nuclear bomb. (That’s like if the inventor of board shorts called them Napalm Knee-Highs.) 

The bikini enjoyed a couple decades of swimsuit domination. And then the Seventies arrived, along with a bunch of questionable fashion trends, and an alarming number of them that involved crafting.

The art of crochet has a long and — let’s go with fascinating? — history. Crochet was originally invented in the mid-1800’s as a cheaper alternative to lace. But it didn’t really take off until Queen Victoria gave the craft a royal bump by buying crocheted lace made by Irish ladies struggling to make ends meet after the Irish potato famine. The Queen even took up the craft herself, crocheting scarves for English veterans. Nothing says “thank you for your service” more than a fetching yarn scarf.

A hundred years later, someone said, “Hey, let’s knit some bikinis!” And the crocheted bikini was born. Because who doesn’t want to rock a sexy swimsuit with the personalized touch of a gift from your 87-year-old Meema. 

As sexy as the crocheted bikini was, it did have some drawbacks. The yarn was itchy. It didn’t dry quickly. And if you hung it up while it was still wet, it would stretch so that the next time you wore it, the bottoms looked like you were wearing a saggy diaper. Hot!

But the best part of the crocheted bikini were the holes. At any given moment, you could be flashing some major nipplage, or even more exciting, full ‘70s bush. And the crocheted criss-cross pattern guaranteed a suntan that made your ass look like the pyramid from a Q*bert game. @!#?@!

Still, wearing a crocheted bikini was a rite of passage for anyone who lived through the seventies. So to all the fearless, fashion trendsetting ladies who still have a faint waffle-iron freckle pattern on their left boob, I salute you!

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