Anyone who knows me knows I love Christmas. But there’s one thing Christmas is missing — summer picnics. And even though Christmas is half a year away, summer is here now. So let’s get those picnic baskets ready and pack on those pre-holiday pounds!

I’m already imagining my first picnic of the year. I spread my blanket on a hillside under the warm summer sun. I plate some artisanal pickles locally foraged from a Brooklyn hipster’s apartment. And I pair my pickles with hand-sliced, hand-placed-on-a-cracker cheese and a very approachable boxed chardonnay. 

Now if only I can avoid making eye contact with the hairy guy sunbathing in his banana hammock a few feet away, then well done, me.

Let’s admit a hard truth, Gleeksters. We love food, but we hate self-control. So if you’ve ever seen me shovel pasta salad into my face-hole, then you know why I’m excited about the newest electronic cutlery trend to hit the gingham blanket: the HapiFork!

The tech heads at HapiLabs have created the first smart device that helps us “decrease the speed at which we eat our meals.” Their motto is “EAT SLOWLY, LOSE WEIGHT, FEEL GREAT!” Which replaced their first motto: “SLOW THE FORK DOWN, FATTIES!”

HapiFork was invented by engineer Jacques Lépine, seen below demonstrating the traditional way of forking — a fork in each hand, and a third cleavage fork.

Lépine says the idea for the HapiFork came from his wife. Apparently she asked him to slow down while he was eating. Now, we know that’s physically impossible. Even Lépine acknowledges: “When I tried to slow down my eating, I just wasn’t able to do it by myself. It was then that I knew I was holding onto a great idea of innovation.”

So how does this “great idea of innovation” great idea of work? HapiFork monitors the amount of “forkservings” you take per meal. It also tracks the duration of each “forkserving” interval. If HapiFork detects you’re eating too fast, it sounds an alarm. Shut the fork up, right? But it’s true. 

It also sends text messages to your smart phone, including: “You’re eating too fast,” “You’re eating at a reasonable pace,” and my favorite: “Be patient.” Because there’s nothing more relaxing than eating a meal while your utensils lecture you.

If you get a warning message from HapiFork, the user manual suggests you do the following:

1. Set down the HapiFork on the side of the plate. Do it carefully.
2. Take a deep breath and count to 10.
3. Pick up the HapiFork and continue to pace your eating.

The “do it carefully” instruction is particularly intriguing. Are the makers of HapiFork worried we’ll be so caught up in a feeding frenzy that we could injure those around us? Or are they worried we might grow angry at our fork’s judgmental tone and lash out?

Either way, I’m excited by the possibilities. I mean, when was the last time forking carried a warning label? I say throw caution to the wind and make dinner reservations for tonight!

Picture it: you, your significant other, and your electronic fork. Maybe you get so excited by Date Night that you shovel your lobster tail into your mouth at lightning speed. But then — your fork sounds an alarm! You have ten seconds to take a breath and stare longingly into your lover’s eyes, where hopefully you won’t see their disgust at your complete inability to eat like a normal human. 

And if that isn’t a perfect night out, I don’t know what is.