Since Your Resolutions Have Already Turned To Crap, Here Are Some Crap Resolutions

Feeling stressed out about sticking to your New Year’s resolutions? Worried that if you fail to accomplish everything you vowed to drunkenly accomplish in the last few minutes of the twenty-teens, it’ll set the wrong tone for the new year? Or even worse, for the new decade? Wish you’d made some goals that weren’t so difficult to keep? 

Well, you’re too late. You shit the bed on those resolutions, so you might as well stop trying. But don’t feel too pressed about it, they were bad resolutions anyway. You were destined to disappoint yourself.

Which is why it’s time to Gleek Your Resolutions. First of all, who says they have to start on January 1st? That’s a tired way of thinking. When you Gleek Your Resolutions, you can start them whenever you damn well please. 

And secondly, make those resolutions easier to accomplish. So here are four common resolutions done the wrong way and the Gleek way. 

The Old Resolution:

Go to the Gym More

Gleek Your Resolution:

Admire Everyone At The Gym As You Drive Past It

You already know your membership card’s gonna gather cobwebs by February. Skip the regret and remorse. 

Instead, next time you drive past your gym, send a few happy thoughts to all the people inside working way too hard to get abs that no one really needs. Good for them! They’re shackled to the unachievable body ideals perpetuated by our media so you don’t have to be. 

The Old Resolution:

Travel More

Gleek Your Resolution:

Redefine Your Definition of Travel

Other people might get off on telling their friends about all the exotic locations they’ve visited. But we don’t all have the time or resources to go to Machu Picchu every summer. That doesn’t mean you can’t get in on the travel action! Just use the word “travel” more frequently. 

As in, “I traveled to the grocery store,” “I traveled to the gas station,” and “I traveled to the dining room.” 

Look at that, you’re already a classy traveler!

The Old Resolution:

Learn a New Language

Gleek Your Resolution:

Remember Your Current Language

I forget words all the time. Do you know how often I’ll google a word to make sure it’s the word I think it is? Too many times to admit. 

So instead of spending all that brainpower on a new language you won’t even use, just be happy you still speak the language you’re currently speaking. 

Every time I type a new word, I’m literally accomplishing my resolution. So satisfying. 

The Old Resolution:

Make a Life Plan

Gleek Your Resolution:

Make a List of Potential Resolutions

This is the Moby Dick of New Year’s Resolutions. It’s way too big. You have your entire life to figure out what you want to do with your life. 

But a list of potential resolutions? That one is very doable. In fact, I can already check that one off my list. See how much I’ve accomplished this year? 

Congratulations, Gleeksters. Your year’s off to a great, resolution-friendly start.

One final tip: there’s no reason to do more than one resolution a year. Which means I’ve already figured out the next four years of resolutions for you. You’re welcome. 

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