When I think of Christmas, I think of spending time with family, indulging in holiday treats, and eating exactly ONE sexually-explicit chocolate every day of December until Christmas morning. 

Wait, what? I could feel you doing a double-take just now. But hear me out. We’re all familiar with that “Twas the night before Christmas” poem, right? You know the part where it says “the children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads”? Well, good for you, children. But guess what the adults are doing in their beds the night before Christmas? We’re having sex. And know what we’re envisioning dancing in our heads? Fuck sugar-plums, us adults are all about the sugar-bums. 

That’s right: the true meaning of Christmas is going to bone town.

At least, that’s what the makers of these sexy advent calendars want you to believe. And fortunately for them, Gleek is horny for the holidays. You might say “Santa Claus is coming to town,” but we think you can cut “to town” out of that sentence. 

Inappropriate? I think not! Don’t tell me you’ve never curled up in front of a fire with your family on Christmas Eve and enjoyed some chocolate genitals together. Honestly, I’m shocked that sexy advent calendars aren’t more of a mainstream thing. Because who doesn’t want 24 tasty milk chocolate bums, boobs, and willies? Ho Ho Ho, indeed. 

Sure, some people might be turned off by the idea of a Slutty Santa, but Gleek isn’t here to judge. No, we’re here to endorse these XXXmas novelties. They’re the perfect gift for your Feliz Navidaddy. They give new meaning to the phrase “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear.” And they give valuable context to the ever-controversial song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” It’s not cold because it’s snowing: it’s cold because they’re naked!

Advent calendars were invented all the way back in 1851, and made popular by Protestant families who wanted a delicious way to keep track of how many days remained before Christmas. Early advent calendars featured Bible verses and pictures of Saints. But Saints and Bible verses are totally played out. It’s time to add a little spice to the holidays! Which is why Gleek was so happy to purchase a sexy advent calendar this holiday season.

Because it’s the most wonderful time of the year to put a photo of a naked man up on your kitchen wall and eat a piece of chocolate from his six pack abs.