I don’t care if it’s half empty or half full, I’m an “at least there’s a glass” person. And I’ve been trying to find an upside to the climate change crisis we’re in. “At least there’s still a planet” isn’t quite cutting it. Because yes, that’s true; but for how long? Thankfully, I’ve found one positive way to spin our disastrous weather trends: never-ending bikini season!

That’s right. Sun’s out, buns out. Or, as we’re about to start saying: earth’s stratospheric ozone layer is gone, bikini is on.  

So step away from that Chicken Chorizo Breakfast Burrito with Sour Cream. Because we need to work on our bikini bodies. Also because climate change is affecting our food supply and one day you won’t even have the option of eating a Chicken Chorizo Breakfast Burrito. 

Fortunately, humans love fashion. It’s a universal truth. And we all want to know what kind of bikinis will be en vogue when the world burns down. Truth be told, it’s already started burning, as evidenced by the recent fires that destroyed a fifth of Australia’s forests. But as Jeff Goldblum would say, bikinis find a way. 

So here are a few of the scantily-clad styles I predict we’ll cycle through as global temperatures rise. 

Warming Oceans meet Cooling Thongs

Guess where most of the heat from greenhouse gas emissions goes? Right into our oceans. Which means countless marine ecosystems are being destroyed. Which will in turn impact our food supply, multiply the spread of diseases, and increase the amount of extreme weather events we face. But do you know how refreshing a thong feels on a hot winter day? Slide that strip of polyester fabric in between your cheeks and introduce your butt to the breeze!

Shrinking Ice Sheets meet Shrinking Fabric

If the Antarctic Ice Sheet melts, we’re looking at the sea levels rising about 200 feet. And when that happens? Suddenly all you smug mid-westerners will become Coastal Elites. And know what coastal elites love to wear? Incredibly small bathing suits. See that bathing suit pictured above? It’s basically just a string! A literal string! So throw away your baggy swimwear and show some skin. No one’s gonna have time for complicated clothes when the Ice Sheets are gone. 

Decreased Snow Cover meet Literally Wearing A Leaf

Look, I realize all this global warming terminology can seem confusing, so let’s keep this one simple. Less snow means less water means warmer earth. And at some point, it’ll be too hot for any sort of bathing suit. The world’s gonna be one gigantic nude beach. But for those of you who aren’t into full frontal, I suggest wearing a leaf. It’s not biblical, it’s practical. And modest. And environmentally conscious! Assuming you can still find a living tree, that is.

Of course, if bikinis-as-casualwear doesn’t sound fun to you, there’s still something you can do to prevent a future of living in Satan’s sauna. You can vote for politicians who believe in Climate Change. If you don’t, well, I’ll see soon you at a bikini beach party on the shores of Nebraska.