The one thing I miss most during the cold winter months is gardening. There’s nothing more relaxing than donning my bonnet and dungarees and tilling the soil with my bare hands. That’s why my friends call me Dr. Brown Thumb. (Please let that be the reason.)

Now everyone knows gardening and space exploration go hand-in-hand. I mean, Matt Damon growing dookie tubers was a major plot point in The Martian.

Which is why I was worried when I saw a recent article on the challenges of plant reproduction in space. Who cares, you ask? Well, other than the obvious sexiness of all things botany (hotany, anyone?), plants failing to get it on in the cosmos is a real concern.

Humans want to build colonies on Mars. And if we’re planning on living in space, we’re gonna need to eat. And that means growing space crops. Which brings us back to procreating plants…

In order for plants to have sex, a pollen grain has to land on the female part of a flowering plant, which is called the stigma.

Following a chemical come-hither signal from the stigma, the pollen grain grows a pollen tube. The plant’s sperm cells use this tube to fertilize an egg. Usually it only takes a few seconds for a pollen tube to form. Unless the plant has had a few bourbons, then it can take a little longer.

But in space, pollen tubes grow smaller and slower than those grown on Earth. And smaller tubes result in lower germination rates. Which means fewer plant babies.

So scientists need to figure out a way for plants to increase that hot stamen-on-stigma action. And let’s face it, sometimes we all need a little help getting in the mood. Which is why Gleek is proud to debut our new plant porn series called Gardening Gone Wild. 

FADE IN:

A sexy bonsai hears the doorbell ring. 

She opens the door to reveal — 

A well-endowed hot carrot standing there.

SEXY BONSAI: Oh, hi.

HOT CARROT: Hey. Did you call a plumber?

SEXY BONSAI: I did. I woke up this morning and my soil was so wet, I didn’t know what to do.

HOT CARROT: Good thing you called me. I’m gonna need to inspect your drainage holes.

SEXY BONSAI: Oh my. Will that help?

HOT CARROT: I’m gonna stick my moisture meter so deep in your root ball, you’ll be begging for more.

SEXY BONSAI: Mmmm. So that’s why they call you Dr. Brown Thumb…

(To be continued…)

Now if that’s not enough to give your vegetables a chard-on, I don’t know what is. Call me, Jeff Goldblum.