The best thing about living in the age of ride shares? It isn’t the free bottle of water. Or the awkward conversations about politics. Or the rush you feel when you put your life in a stranger’s hands. No, the reason to celebrate ride shares is: no more airport pick-ups! 

Just like that, countless relationships were saved. Say goodbye to the days of “we’re friendly, but not that friendly.” And say hello to the days of “they moved the ride share pick-up spot where?”

Haven’t you ever wondered: how many burgeoning romances were prematurely killed by an unfortunate trip to LaGuardia? True love is being able to say: “I’ll call you an Uber.”

Unfortunately your mom didn’t get the memo. Your mom needs the airport pick-up. She wants to tell you about her seatmate, and the inflight entertainment, and the gay flight attendant “who’s single and lives in Houston, but I got his number for you anyway.” 

Of course, you feel a smidge ungrateful. She raised you. She literally cleaned poop out of your butthole when you were a baby. And she still does everything she can for you! Just look at the abundance of articles she recently forwarded you about protecting yourself from STDs. An airport pick-up’s the least you can do. Right? 

Actually, if I can play devil’s advocate…maybe it is the least you can do? Maybe it’s such a small favor that a different favor – any other favor – would be more meaningful? I mean, would it kill her to ride home with a stranger?

Truth is, this isn’t about the countless times she’s been there for you. This is an issue of self-preservation. Yours and hers. Doesn’t she know what a chore it is to navigate Arrivals? It’s like everyone forgets how to drive as soon as they hit Terminal One. What I’m saying is, picking her up from the airport might kill you. 

And how would she like that? It would certainly put a damper on her sending you links for that new PrEP pill that reduces your risk of contracting HIV even though she reminds you that you’re not really that sexually active anyway, which is probably for the best (sick burn, Mom).

Even worse than death: you’re destined to get to your designated pick-up spot before your mom has claimed her luggage. Then you have to deal with the surly security guard who forces you to do one more “failure lap” around the airport. Doesn’t your mom realize what a nightmare that is? If Hell is Circling the Airport for Twenty Minutes, then maybe your mom is Satan. 

By the time your mom finally gets to your car, your nerves are so fried you inevitably pick a fight. Usually, it’s a fight-to-end-all-fights. Ultimately, you’ll end up regretting this “favor” for the rest of your lives. And is this really what your mom wants? Maybe…

Because she doesn’t even want to download the ride share app to her phone. Uber’s been around since 2009 and yet she maintains an almost complete ignorance of the popular peer-to-peer app that operates in 785 metropolitan areas worldwide and can be easily accessed via the tiny computer in your pocket.  

Of course, she’s your mom, and she knows how you think. So before you have this conversation with her, she’s going to forward you that CNN article about the “103 Uber drivers [who have been] accused of sexual assault.” And you know what? Actually…

On second thought, pick your mom up from the airport.