That little guy above is a wombat. I think we can all agree he’s ridiculously cute. But it’s not just his fat, fuzzy face that makes him cute. It’s his wombat butt. Or his wombutt, as no one calls it. I’ll admit it — I like wombutts and I cannot lie. Because wombat butts are evolutionary wonders.
For one, wombat butts are built like little shields. A wombat’s hiney is made up of a thick pad of cartilage, fat, and muscle, known as a “dermal shield.” This pad is designed to block predators who are trying to invade a wombat’s burrow. When chased, the wombat dives into his burrow and literally sticks his ass in the air to block the opening.
They have little Captain America shields as asses. What’s cooler than that? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s their poop. That’s right, not only are wombat butts awesome on the outside, but on the inside too. Because when wombats poop, it comes out as little cubes.
Come on! Cube-shaped dookie? Adorbs!
The reason behind the wombat’s cube-shaped poop was a mystery until recently. Scientists discovered that when the poop is in the upper part of a wombat’s intestine, it’s liquidy and soft. But when it makes its way into the last 8 percent of the intestinal tract, it becomes very dry, as water and digestive juices are leached out. This dryness, combined with the elastic walls of the wombat’s poop chute, transform the poop into little cubes as it passes through.
So now we know how wombat poop becomes cube-shaped, but we still don’t know why. Some scientists think the poop cubes help the wombat better mark its territory, like building a little lego poop scent tower. But I think there’s a different reason. I think wombats can smell a business opportunity when they poop it.
Cubed poop is cool. I mean, wouldn’t you poop in all kinds of fun shapes and sizes if you could? Well now you can. Because Gleek is pleased to announce our new line of Party Poop Molds. Just imagine the poopssibilities.
Remember when Jeff Goldblum checked out that massive pile of dino droppings in Jurassic Park?
Well, what if that poop was in the shape of actual dinosaurs? Nature finds a way.
And just think about all the holiday variations. Christmas is pretty festive as is, but what if you could make it even more fecally festive? Why not make your stool in the shape of a snowflake?
You know what they say about poop-shaped snowflakes: no two snowdookies are the same (frosting optional).
And just imagine how cool it would be to crap a Baby Yoda.
Call me, Disney!
Honestly, why do wombats and their amazing wombutts get to have all the fun? We all poop. And I think it’d be magical to hear the wild giggles of an adult in the stall next to me as they shit a unicorn-shaped log. Who’s with me?