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Wiener Dogs Walked So Penis Fish Could Fly

I have a bone to pick. In fact, let’s make it official, slap a hashtag on it, and call it a Gleek Critique. I’m upset about the fact that thousands of “penis fish” recently washed up on Drakes Beach in California and…we’ve completely stopped talking about how weird that is.

Look, I get that life these days is a never-ending series of What The Fuck Is Going On clickbait articles. Most of the time we don’t even read past the headline. We tweet our outrage, then move on to the next sensational story. But did you read about the penis fish? 


Forget not these phalli! 

What, you ask, are penis fish? Well, for one, they aren’t fish. Nor are they penises. And they didn’t “wash up” on the beach either, but we’ll get to that in a second. 

The Creatures Most Commonly Known As Penis Fish are actually fat innkeeper worms. And yes, they look alarmingly penis-esque. I say “alarmingly” because I’ve never seen a human penis that looks exactly like one of these guys. They’re strangely girthy and misshapen. If anything, they look like alien penises, not human ones. (Don’t ask how I know this; let’s just say I didn’t ask for the anal probe.) But “penis fish” is catchier than “phallic worms,” so we’ll let the name stand. 

FUN FACT: penis fish taste delicious when served raw with salt and sesame oil. Which gives new meaning to the phrase “eat a dick.” It isn’t an insult, it’s instructive!

Maybe the science pervs among you knew about these cocky creatures, but why’d it take so long for the rest of us to hear about them? Well it’s possible you’ve already had a close encounter with these worms of the penis-kind. 

See, wiener worms, as no one calls them, live in the sand several feet beneath the surface of some beaches. Which means when you’re out sunbathing, there’s a good chance these sex-shaped slitherers are burrowing below you. 

But penis fish don’t wanna bother you. That is, until a storm sets siege to their home and clears away several layers of sediment, and, well…suddenly you’ve got a beach covered in phallic-shaped sea oddities. 

The question no one’s asking is: what precipitated this crazy storm that made the beach drop trou, so to speak? 

And the answer? Climate change. Look, I don’t care whether or not you believe in climate change. Climate change isn’t on trial here. As Teri Hatcher said in that one episode of Seinfeld, “it’s real and it’s a spectacular problem.” (Yes, I’m paraphrasing.) 

So the appearance of these penis fish on the aforementioned beach begs the question: what other penis-shaped animals are hiding in the ocean? And then it begs the even bigger question: do we really want to know? 

HELL NO, we don’t. 

Which is why we need to fight climate change. If the schizophrenic weather hasn’t convinced you… If all of the dying bees haven’t convinced you… If the threat of chocolate going extinct doesn’t convince you… Maybe creepy penis animals will finally convince you!

Whatever’s out there, needs to stay “out there.” Keep the penis animals in your pants, Planet Earth!

So that’s the bottom line. Fighting climate change means fighting to keep penis-shaped mystery animals happily hidden in their penis-shaped sand holes. And we all need to do our part. 

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