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Why Get Free Wi-Fi From Starbucks When You Can Get It From Sheepbucks?

Have you guys heard of the Internet Of Things? It’s this exciting (and sort of terrifying) idea that all our machines and everyday objects will be able to transmit data to one another via the internet. So your phones can talk to your refrigerators, and your refrigerators can talk to your doorbells, and your doorbells can talk to your gynecologist. Well, maybe not that last one, but you know it’s coming.

This kind of digital interconnectivity is already happening in cities around the world. But what if you don’t live in a city where wifi is available on every corner? How will your FitBit tell your Zumba instructor’s Alexa you’ve been sitting on your ass for 16 hours straight?

Well, allow me to introduce the Next Big Thing in wireless technology: sheep.

Yeah, you read that right. Researchers are using sensor-equipped sheep as wifi hot spots. See, sheep spend their days grazing across large rural areas, so scientists are using these fluffy farm animals to create accessible wireless networks. But it’s not just sheep shepherding in this new age of hoofed hot spots. Cows, goats, and even dogs have also been used to test this new tech.

And in some Scandinavian countries, scientists are exploring the possibility of using wifi-enabled reindeer to increase internet access for people who live in remote areas.

Now even Santa will be able to watch internet porn! Just don’t tell Mrs. Claus about that folder he has on his laptop marked “The North Pole.”

There’s even an amusement park in Israel that’s getting in on the four-legged wireless craze. “The Village of Yore” uses donkeys as wifi hot spots. 

The park is touting the new tech as a way for guests to tweet and upload fun vacation pics on-the-go. Because nothing says “historically accurate portrayal of life in the Common Era’s First Century” like texting someone a dick pic from a mobile donkey.

With all these new and exciting ways to access the internet, Starbucks may soon lose its title as “best place to get free wifi.” But rather than fight this furry hot spot trend, I suggest the coffee giant embrace the future. Because why just have a Starbucks on every corner when you can also have a Sheepbucks in every field.

No word yet on whether Pumpkin Spice Llamas will be available at every location.

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