Remember that game Punch Bug? Depending on where you grew up, the game had different names. Regional variations included Punch Buggy, Piggy Punch, Freeway Fisticuffs, Sibling Slap, and Violate Me When You See A Volkswagon. But the rules of the game were always the same: whenever you saw a VW Beetle, you punched the person next to you as hard as you fucking could.
I don’t know about you, but I hated this game. I desperately needed glasses when I was a kid, which meant I never saw the VW Beetles first. As a result, long drives were painful experiences. Raise your hand if you hated this game too. Oh, is it too difficult to raise your hand because your arm is covered in bruises? Then you feel my pain.
Now it’s been years since I’ve seen a VW Beetle in the wild. Everyone’s favorite bug was exterminated when we all realized they actually looked incredibly stupid. You’d think I’d be happy by this development. Streets are certainly safer. But I have to admit: long road trips just aren’t the same. A constant fear of being punched by your friend really helped pass the time. The anxiety was thrilling!
So Gleek would like to do our part to spice up family road trips again. Here are three violent new games you can play next time your family drives to Disney World!
CAMRY DENT KIDNEY PUNCH
Have you ever noticed that literally every Camry has a dented rear bumper? Now that I’ve pointed it out, you’re going to start noticing them all the time. Well, here’s how you play Camry Dent Kidney Punch: every time you see a Camry Dent, you punch the person closest to you in the kidney. They’ll be laughing and peeing blood for a week!
JAGUAR JAB
This game might be confusing to some. The key thing to remember is you aren’t looking for the largest cat native to the Americas, you’re looking for the luxury vehicle. When you see one, you have permission to knock out the person closest to you. But only if you scream “Jaguar Jab” as you’re nailing them!
SUV SLAP
Unlike the other games on this list, this one requires you to look for an SUV. Any SUV will do. When you see one, slap your friend or loved one. Like hard, right across the face. All of the other rules remain the same. FUN FAKE FACT: This one is inspired by NBC’s slap-based miniseries The Slap. No one actually watched NBC’s slap-based miniseries The Slap, but rumor has it a key plot point involved the SUV Slap.
And there you have it, Gleeksters. Hours of violent car fun. Play safe and slap away!