The third week of September is Bi Visibility Week. It’s the only time most people acknowledge the “B” in LGBT even exists. But Gleek wants to do more than just celebrate our bisexual brothers and sisters one week a year. We want to help them remain visible for the other fifty-one weeks, too.
Which is why we’re introducing bonobos, bottlenose dolphins, and deep sea squids to the queer animal kingdom.
One of the things I love about being gay is how committed we are to animal slang. Did someone say Bear Party? Hold on, let me fluff up my chest hair.
For any clueless heteros reading this, here’s a quick gay animal cheat sheet:
BEARS
Bears are bigger guys who click the “more to love” box in physical descriptions on dating apps. They also have a lot of body hair. If it takes you a minute to realize he didn’t wear a sweater to the beach, then he’s definitely a bear.
CUBS
Cubs are bears-to-be, but they’re too young to fully own their bear status. Grrrrr.
POLAR BEARS
Polar bears are older hairy guys. They’re named after their surly dispositions. Or maybe it’s their over-abundance of white hair. It’s one of those, I can never remember which one.
OTTERS
Otters are svelte bears who spend an hour every morning manscaping their body hair. They’re truly the Goldilocks of the gay community. Not too hairy, not too smooth, just right.
WOLVES, GYM RATS, & PIGS, OH MY
Wolves are muscular bears who love to fuck. Gym rats are muscular, hairless otters who love to fuck. Pigs are bears, cubs, otters, wolves, or gym rats, or basically any other animals, who love to fuck.
As you can see, we’ve cornered the market on animal slang. And I haven’t even mentioned unicorns, chickens, pups, hawks, or bulls.
But why do gay guys get to hog all the animal names?
(Hogs, by the way, are selfish pigs.)
Let’s put on our queer goggles for a minute. (You should have gotten them in your Gay Welcome Bag when you first came out of the closet. If you’re straight, borrow from your neighbor.) If we take a closer look at the animal kingdom, we’ll see plenty of bisexual animal iconography just begging to be embraced. (That’ll do, pig.)
DEEP SEA SQUIDS
These creatures of the great deep are basically bisexual by necessity. It’s so dark 400 meters below the ocean’s surface that they can’t actually see who they’re mating with. So if you identify as a deep sea squid, it means you’re equally attracted to all of the sexes. You don’t even see gender! You’re a deep sea squid!
BOTTLENOSE DOLPHINS
A study conducted by scientists at the University of Massachusetts found that bottlenose dolphins were prone to “engage in extensive bisexuality, combined with periods of exclusive homosexuality.” Extensive bisexuality, eh? Sign me up! The way I see it, these dolphins are attracted to both sexes, but have more emotional attachment to those of the same sex. If that sounds like you, then congratulations: you’re a bottlenose dolphin.
BONOBOS
I just spent an hour googling “Bonobos + bisexuality” and all I can say is the “B” in LGBT might as well stand for Bonobos! These primates aren’t afraid to love who they love. They even greet one another with a little casual, mutual masturbation. That’s pretty bonobowesome! So if you’re attracted to both sexes, but you tend to have more emotional attachment to those of the opposite sex, then guess what? You’re a bonobo.
Congratulations!
So this is a special shout-out to all the bisexuals out there. It doesn’t matter if you’re a bonobo, a bottlenose dolphin, or a deep sea squid. Whatever animal you identify with, you’re all welcome here.