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Fish Invented Sex. And Also Ghosting.

Full disclosure, folks. I’m not a biologist. But I am a Taurus. Which means I’m strong-willed yet affectionate. And according to Cosmo’s Cosmic Guide to Women, I want to make love on satin sheets or not at all. Which is why I found this recent study on the origins of lovemaking a little fishy. 

Scientists at the University of Flinders have discovered the origin of sex. And it’s not that one summer Mike Kapernicki helped you unstring your bow behind the archery range at Camp Solomon Schechter.

Scientists point to a 385-million-year-old fish called — and I’m not making this up — Microbrachius dicki — as the first animal to “stop reproducing by spawning and instead mate by having sex.”

That’s right, folks. 385 million years ago these fish were getting their Filet-O-Freak on. Just ask paleontologist and amateur porn name, John Long, who says: “Copulation, the intimate act of sexual intimacy to reproduce, was something we always think of in human terms. But sharks copulate. And fossil fish called placoderms were the first type of animals to invent this kind of behavior.”

While looking through some fish fossils, Professor Long noticed the dicki fish had an odd L-shaped appendage that turned out to be a penis.

Yup. I’m talking about fossil fish junk. And talk about a double standard. I spend the day looking through a box of penises and I’m called a pervert. But do it in a museum and you’re a scientist. 

Apparently, these fish not only invented sex, they invented freaky sex. The first act of copulation was done side-by-side, square dance-style. That’s ri-do-se-do-diculous. 

Folks, these ichthyological exhibitionists are a threat to every distinguished science journal that I don’t have time to read. What’s next, a “Dear Penthouse” section in National Geographic? Or a Maxim sex column called “10 Ways to Keep Your Sturgeon Satisfied.” Although I am intrigued by number four: “Be sure to tickle his peduncle.”

Look, animals have cornered the market on sex positions for years: doggy-style, the bucking bronco, and something called the “cloacal kiss.” I mean, look at them go at it! (And for the purposes of not getting banned from Apple News, I’m gonna say it’s just two fish square-dancing.)

Actually, that’s kind of hot. In fact, I think it’s giving me an odd L-shaped appendage.

Alright, fine. I can be open-minded. So fish may have invented sex. But humans invented online dating. And Mommy sees an opportunity to make a little coin. Which is why I’m pleased to introduce Fin-der, the new dating app for all you unmatched minnows out there.

Just imagine it…you’re scrolling through Fin-der, looking for the catch of the day, and you land on Sig the Swordfish, 34. And only 1.7 fathoms away. Hmmm…

It says Sig likes long swims near the beach, he’s looking for a partner to travel the North Atlantic Current with, and he doesn’t mind if you have fry from a previous relationship. 

Turn-offs include lemon butter and non-stick pans. Turn-ons include square-dancing and a little sword play. Sounds like a “swipe right” to me.

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