Admit it, you like ducks. They’re balls of fluffy cuteness when they’re babies. They’re fun to feed at parks. And they’ve hatched numerous iconic cartoon characters — Daffy, Donald, Howard, and Darkwing, to name a few. But here’s a fun fact I bet you didn’t know: Scrooge McDuck might have been a miser, but he was also hung like a horse.
See, there’s a reason your iPhone autocorrects “fucks” to “ducks.” Male ducks have dicks. Which, it turns out, is a rarity in the bird world. Out of roughly 10,000 bird species, only about three percent have penises.
But don’t shed a tear for our feathered friends. Birds can still get it on like Dickless Donkey Kong. Male and female birds perform a “cloacal kiss,” which basically means they rub their holes together. Or as I like to call it, junior high.
Somewhere down the evolutionary line, ducks decided to up their lovemaking game. Not only did male ducks develop penises, they supersized them. The ruddy duck has an eight-inch member. Considering an adult male ruddy duck measures about 17 inches long, it’s pretty impressive that his penis is nearly half his body length. Unless you’re a female ruddy duck, and then it’s horrifying.
But simply growing a penis wasn’t good enough for Daffy. He needed to customize it because competition in the duck dating world is fierce. So male ducks came up with a fancy solution — they can adjust their penis size.
A dude duck can make his penis bigger or smaller, depending on his particular needs in the local pond. Only one other animal can adjust penis size to meet social pressures — the acorn barnacle. And we all know what a freak in the tide pool sheets the acorn barnacle is.
Not only can ducks adjust the size of their dark meat, they can launch it at a potential mate like a heat-seeking missile. Male ducks go from “hello” to “fully erect” in less than a second. Apparently there’s no time for small quack during mating season. And what’s more romantic than a duck hard-on rocketing at you from out of the blue? Answer: literally anything else.
So should we change our dating lingo now that we’re armed with this new duck dick knowledge? Instead of asking a potential hookup if they’re DTF, maybe we should ask if they’re DTD? I mean, if penis gymnastics are your thing. Personally, I think size is overrated. Although I would much rather fight 100 duck-sized horses than one horse-sized duck dick.