Do you guys remember when Fireball whisky burst onto the scene with a vengeance in 2014? It’d actually been around since 1984 in Canada, but hey, that was Canada. It didn’t register in the American booze subconscious until it became the drink of choice for frat parties and bars named after female body parts. I’m talking about you, Vagooters.

Some people loved it. Some people hated it. But then we learned some harsh realities about our favorite shot of alcoholic red hot dragon’s breath. A few European countries were giving the cinnamon-flavored drink an icy reception. Finland, Sweden, and Norway even pulled Fireball off store shelves after finding it contained too much propylene glycol, a chemical found in some types of antifreeze.

Et tu, Scandanavia? You think you can tell us what we can and can’t put in our face-holes? Well, I have one word for you: lutefisk.

There’s nothing more appetizing than what looks like leftovers from an all-you-can-snip bris buffet. So I say “stay in your lane, Norway.” Your holier-than-thou attitude about me not wanting to ingest poisonous automotive chemicals is uncalled for.

It’s my God-given right as an American to not know what’s in my food. Coca-Cola used to have actual cocaine in it, but did that stop us from drinking it?

No. It made us more productive and created an eventual boon for the rolled-up dollar bill straw industry. 

So what’s next on your buzzkill buffet, Norway? Are you gonna tell us we shouldn’t eat shredded cheese because it contains sawdust? Or maybe we should lay off the potato chips because they contain a chemical found in toilet bowl cleaners?

Or maybe you’re gonna tell us to give up ice cream because it contains beaver anal gland juice? You read that right, Gleeksters. There’s beaver butt secretions in your vanilla ice cream. 

Actually, in all your vanilla-flavored things. Apparently that lovely vanilla flavor is created using castoreum, which is obtained from the anal glands of beavers. 

Castoreum accounts for about 6 per cent of all vanilla flavoring used in dairy and dessert products. So it’s a pretty good bet you’re enjoying some beaver anal juice right now. And for that, I salute you. Because we all know beaver ass is where the flavor is. 

And now Hall & Oates knows that too.