Here’s a fun fact about me: I went to Catholic school for 12 years. It was there that I learned Catholics believe humans have dominion over animals. Now I personally don’t believe this. Although I do believe if an animal doesn’t deliver my Domino’s in 30 minutes or less, then it’s free.

I was thinking about humankind’s relationship with animals the other day. Pet owners love their pets. Social media is filled with pictures and videos of people’s dogs and cats and birds and frilled lizards. So it was only a matter of time before our pets started internet dating.

Don’t believe me? Then ask yourself…

Have you noticed your pooch acting distant lately? Maybe he’s giving you the cold shoulder. Maybe a walk around the block doesn’t have the same thrill it used to. Or maybe instead of enjoying a quiet night watching Netflix with you, he’d rather go out for a drink by himself.

So you grow a little suspicious. And then you discover how much time he’s been spending online.

And when you search his phone, you find an app called AllPaws. Yeah, you read that right. AllPaws, the new hook-up app for hounds.

Traditionally, GPS-based dating apps have been used by men looking to meet that certain special complete stranger. But now man’s best friend is trying to get in on the action.

The AllPaws app connects you to a website designed to make pet adoption more like online dating. You can search based on breed, energy level, friskiness…even number of nipples. You can also filter by which pets are closest to you geographically, and which animals have been favorited the most.

Huh.

So you expect me to believe it’s just people out there clicking that “like” button so much? Please. You know our beloved pets are online cruising for their next hook-up right now. 

Maybe your doggo is looking for someone to draw her like one of your French girls?

Or maybe your pup is looking for some hot swinger action?

What if he just wants a little canine cosplay with Bilbo Waggins?

Or maybe just a fellow furry friend to spend a romantic night in front of the fire?

Alright. Maybe I’m being too sensitive about all this. I mean, if my dog wants to hook up with a hot professor-type named Cuteness Everween, who am I to stand in the way?

Hellooooo! Paw Right!