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Chris Evans Might Have America’s Ass, But Did You Know He Also Has America’s Ears?

Everyone knows Chris Evans has a perfect posterior. In fact, googling “Chris Evans butt” gets you more results than “glute exercises.” Proving we’re all a bunch of pervs. But the bottom line is, I’d rather ogle Evans’ ass than work on my own. And so would you.

Still, I’d argue Chris Evans’ butt doesn’t deserve all the attention. Why focus exclusively on his end zone when he has so many other body parts we could objectify? Like his ears. That’s right, Chris Evans has ears that are downright pornographic. 

At first glance, Chris Evans’ ears might not seem special. He doesn’t adorn them with jewelry. They aren’t the kind of “attention getting” ears that stick out so far they make you blush. He’s never even squeezed them into a tight pair of pants to highlight their natural round mound goodness. On paper, there’s no reason to give Chris Evans’ ears a second glance. 

But maybe their ordinariness is the key to their charm? Yes, Evans’ God-like body looks like it was sculpted in marble by Rodin. But he has a normal pair of ears like the rest of us. Don’t you take comfort in that? It makes him approachable, which magnifies his sexiness. What was it Shakespeare said? “An ear by any other name would hear as sweet.” 

Ears have a pretty major biological function. Earlobes, on the other hand, are flappy hanging bits of flesh. But they’re considered to be one of the chief erogenous zones. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution says earlobes are “ranked just behind the scrotum for body parts that help men orgasm when touched or otherwise stimulated.” Wow, ranked just behind the scrotum, eh? I hear Jared Kushner was ranked just behind the scrotum in his graduating class at Harvard. But in the case of earlobes, “just behind the scrotum” is a good thing! 

The reason earlobes feel so good is because those small flaps of flesh are home to hundreds of sensory receptors. Just imagine every sensory receptor in Chris Evans’ earlobes tingling, then tell me his ears aren’t his sexiest organ. I’ll wait. 

I recently asked a friend what she thought of Evans’ ears. Without missing a beat, she swooned: “I’d let him press his ear against my cooch and listen to the ocean.” Now, I don’t know which is more impressive in that hypothetical, her cooch or his ear, but the operative word was listen

Because that’s the real reason Chris Evans is such a stud. His listening skills! He doesn’t just let those ears sit on the sides of his head looking pretty. He uses the damned things.

A quick scroll through Chris Evans’ twitter feed shows a politically-conscious, empathetic person who listens to women and uses his many layers of privilege to shine a light on issues that need addressing. He’s a real-life Captain America. And that’s sexy as hell. 

So you can have Captain America’s butt, all I want are his ears. 

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