It’s a messed-up time in history. My rights, as an LGBTQ American, get shakier by the minute. As the country gets more conservative, I can’t help but think about that baker who refused to bake a cake for a gay wedding. Which makes me laugh, because she has no idea that baking is the gayest career path she could’ve ever chosen.
That’s right, the joke’s on her: cakes are queer as fuck. Cakes are canonically gay. Cakes are gay rights.
If you’re a homophobe, you’re probably shaking your head right now, like: what? No way. Cakes don’t have a sexuality. Fuck that. Cakes aren’t gay!
But the thing is, you’re wrong. Cakes are extremely homosexual. The only reason you get to enjoy cake is because we allow it to happen. If we wanted to take your cake rights away, we would. Because cakes belong to us, we’ve co-opted cakes, cakes are gay.
Gay guys love cakes. We love big cakes. We love small cakes. We love binging on cakes of every shape and size. We love taking our time devouring a really nice, thick slice of cake. In fact, we don’t just enjoy cake on our birthday or wedding night, we eat cake all the time. We’d eat cake every night of the year if we could. And some of us do! Gays. Love. Cake.
We love cake so much it’s become synonymous with our community, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Every time you bite into a moist piece of cake, you might as well be telling the world you love hot man-on-man action. Cakes are gayer than John Waters’ mustache. Cakes are gayer than Rip Taylor throwing confetti in Liberace’s face in Sondheim’s sex dungeon. Cakes are gayer than Kristen Stewart lounging on a love seat.
You could have a threesome on Fire Island and say “I was just experimenting, I’m really straight,” and, you know what, that’s your journey, man. But if you enjoy eating cake, then you’ve gotta let go of your homophobia. Because eating cake is the same thing as telling the world “I AM A SUPPORTER OF GAY EQUALITY AND QUEER PEOPLE DESERVE ALL OF THE RIGHTS I DO.”
So if you don’t support gay rights, then you’ve gotta stop eating cake. Seriously, give up cake forever. Never eat a big, throbbing, veiny piece of cake again. Cake isn’t for you. Cake is gay.
We’re here, we’re queer, let’s eat cake!